Step 2: seven things for today
Anger that has built up for a long time doesn't go out all at once. But you can learn to listen to it without letting it destroy you or anyone else. Here are small, practical steps. Pick just one, the one that feels possible today.
1.Admit that you're angry
Start by telling yourself honestly: I'm angry. It isn't good or bad, it's an emotion. Write down who or what it's about, and exactly what hurt you. Underneath anger there's often a wound, a sense of unfairness, or of not being respected. Putting words to it is already a way of taking back a little control.
2.Don't settle anything in the heat of the moment
When anger rises, your body is on alert and words come out too fast. Before replying to an email or a person, give yourself time: an hour, a night. Go for a walk, drink a glass of water, breathe slowly. Someone who knows how to wait before speaking avoids a lot of regret. The message you write tomorrow will be fairer.
3.Let your body release the tension
Anger settles in the body: tight shoulders, clenched fists, a knotted stomach. Give it a way out. Walk fast, take the stairs, punch a pillow, jog around the block. After the effort, the pressure often drops a notch, and you can think more calmly about what happened and what you want to do next.
4.Write the letter you won't send
Take a sheet of paper and write to the person who hurt you, saying everything on your mind, unfiltered. No one will read this letter. Then read it over, and tear it up or put it away. This lets out what was looping in your head. Afterward you'll know better what you really want to say, if you decide to speak.
5.Speak directly, and calmly
If it's possible and safe for you, talk to the person one on one. Say what you felt, starting with "I" rather than "you": I felt humiliated when... A gentle answer often defuses what accusations would inflame. You don't have to accept everything, but you can stand your ground without crushing the other person.
6.Don't let the day end on it
Anger taken to bed grows during the night. In the evening, try a small gesture to set it down: write what happened, talk to someone, decide what you'll do tomorrow. You don't have to have solved everything. It's simply about not letting resentment settle in and take root inside you.
7.Consider, someday, letting it go
Some wounds will never come with an apology. Holding on to anger is a bit like carrying a rock to throw at someone: it mostly wears you out. Letting go doesn't mean what was done to you was acceptable. It means you refuse to let that person keep steering your thoughts. It can take time, and that's okay.
When to ask for help
If your anger is becoming hard to control, if you're afraid of hurting someone or yourself, or if it's damaging your relationships or your health, don't stay alone with it. Talk to your doctor, a therapist, or someone you trust. And if you are the one experiencing violence or feel in danger, ask someone around you for help right away.
Step 3: where this advice comes from
Where this advice comes from
The ideas you just read come from a very old book, written thousands of years ago and still read all over the world. It talks a lot about anger and what to do with it. If you'd like, you can find out what that book says.
Step 4: walking through a door