1 John 4: Dare to Be Close Because God Loved You First

Introduction

"We are a blessed couple, and we know very well, from many conversations, that this is not to be taken for granted." That is how Wilf and Christa Gasser, retired and married for 43 years, open their message at Vineyard Bern in Switzerland. Their subject will surprise no one who knows them: relationship, "simply our passion."

The message has a three-part title: finding love, daring to be close, living commitment. Everyone thirsts to be loved and accepted, to know that someone cares about them. Yet that thirst often goes unquenched, among singles and married couples alike.

The couple builds on a verse they have read twice: 1 John 4:19, "We love, because he first loved us." In the translation they read from, the verse is preceded by this sentence: "the deepest foundation of our trust lies in God's love for us." Then, in a second part in the form of an interview, they answer very concrete questions about intimacy, praying as a couple, and sexuality in marriage.

Message outline

1. A thirst for love that nothing satisfies

The need to belong is an enormous theme, psychology included. Its form changes with age: a small child lying between his parents does not experience it like a grandfather does, but the need remains.
We often try to soothe this thirst with things that do not satisfy. We wonder: who will give me everything I need? Where is the person who will bring out the best in me?
At the same time, we are afraid to open up, to show ourselves as we are, to have to forget ourselves, even to wear ourselves out if we open up too much to others.
We live in an age connected to the whole world by technology, and yet loneliness is growing, along with anxiety and the feeling of not measuring up. Many seek psychological help because they have no one to confide in.
The challenge, they say, is to learn to take steps toward others and toward the community, starting from our relationship with God, instead of waiting for others to come to us.

2. Tit-for-tat love

A podcast with Martin Benz made them aware of a nuance. In their seminar, they talk about philia (the love of friendship), eros (physical love) and agape (God's love).
According to this reading, eros does not refer first to sexuality, but to a love that gives while expecting something in return: "I give to you because you give to me, and as long as you give to me."
This is the logic of a contract: as long as the other person fulfills their obligations, I feel obligated too. The couple sees in it "the human way of loving," the most natural one for us.
As long as the exchange stays balanced, we are satisfied. But this kind of love makes us dependent on what the other person is willing to invest.

3. We love because he first loved us

1 John 4:19 overturns this logic. The deepest foundation of our trust lies in God's love for us.
This is the great challenge everywhere we are in relationship, and especially where we feel tested, even taken advantage of.
We can love because we were loved first, and not because we first brought something to God. Our passion and our consecration are not at the beginning: "at the beginning stands, and has always stood, the free love of God, who blesses."
This verse is also, they say, "the reason for our life together," in the couple as in the Church.

4. Intimacy: being known without having to hide

"Intimacy is being known without having to hide." It is lived where we no longer need to conceal our fears, our shame or our anger.
They quote a sentence they heard recently: "Home is where I don't have to suck in my stomach."
Genesis 2:25 says of Adam and Eve that they were naked and not ashamed. For them, this verse is not primarily about sexuality: the two were "naked" in every sense of the word, with no reluctance to show themselves.
Daring to be close requires a repeated decision: not to stay in the posture of a victim ("I'm not getting what I need, I'm so alone, so vulnerable"), but to choose each day to be a blessing where God has placed us. This is the daily decision that a marriage and a family need.
Intimacy goes beyond the couple. While preparing the message, one of them realized that at church he opens his heart, sees others, talks to them: that is already closeness being lived.
Small groups, a shared table, inviting people into your home or letting yourself be invited into a family: the Church is "an incredible training ground" for learning intimacy.

5. Sexuality everywhere, intimacy impoverished

The paradox of our society: sex is presented as vital ("without sex, you die"), and at the same time it has become cheap, available on every street corner and in pornography, to the point of being "basically worthless."
Sexuality has become a substitute religion, a replacement image for the intimacy we long for.
They observe that, in Western countries as well as in Asia (they cite Singapore and Korea), couples' sexuality is declining in real life: it is judged too difficult, and intimacy seems easier to get through a film or pornographic sites. A substitute satisfaction "that absolutely does not correspond to reality."
For them, sexual union is a confirmation of the covenant of marriage, of the "yes" the spouses gave each other. Lived this way, it has "incredible power, incredible beauty," and it is not obtained cheaply.
When the first passion is no longer enough, the task is to keep rediscovering each other and to live a closeness much broader than sex. Learning intimacy day by day also frees up a new dimension in married sexuality.

6. Keeping the fire alive and inviting God into every area

Asked during the interview what to do when you have drifted apart from your spouse after many years of marriage, their first answer is: "It is much easier to keep a fire burning than to relight a fire that has gone out." Intimacy is not innate; it is learned and developed, from the very first years.
A seminar, books, or an exchange in a small group can help. Share your thirst, or your deep distress, with a few people (not with everyone) and bring it together before God.
Praying together is very intimate; you make yourself vulnerable. Wilf tells of three years of frustration, in the time of young children: Christa was often tired in the evening, and he did not understand why she did not follow. For her part, she no longer knew what to pray, because he had "prayed everything." It took them several years to talk about their expectations.
There is no need for long prayers. At the beginning, they tried singing together in tongues, then stopped: it was "almost more stress than communion."
In their seminar, the closing point is always the same: invite God "as a coach" into absolutely every area of life, including intimacy. Concretely, pray briefly before a moment of intimacy: "Come, be with us, lead us, help us to see each other."
Wilf admits that sexuality has always felt somewhat worrying to him: he did not want to crush his wife. Asking God for "a regard of esteem" for one another gave their sexuality a liberating perspective.
This applies to singles too: "Lord, lead me in this area as well." A man who was struggling with pornography was advised to place a chair next to him and to think of Jesus sitting in it. The point was not to legitimize anything, but to become aware that Jesus shares every area of life. We quickly notice where we prefer to leave him outside, and that is where it helps to talk to someone.

7. Seeking help and choosing to love

Often it is women who say: "we need help." Their first piece of advice: tell your spouse, "I am looking for help for myself, because I sense that something is not right. Please come with me. Otherwise, I will go alone."
Couples often argue about who needs help the most, and it leads nowhere. Starting with yourself changes the perspective: no longer "where will I receive what I need?" but "where can I contribute?", because I am loved by God.
They admit with humor that answering these questions in a few minutes is "almost reckless." But seeking help, seeking dialogue, matters. Not with those who just pat you on the shoulder while complaining about their own spouse, but with friends who are able to bring the situation before God.
The Church offers support: a helping relationship, healing prayer, small groups that carry and sustain.
After 43 years of marriage, what they have learned about love fits into the words of a song by Don Francisco: "Love is not a feeling, but an act of your will." They have had their crises, sometimes months of not understanding each other, and they chose one another again and again.

Key takeaways

The thirst to be loved is universal, but neither technology nor substitute satisfactions can quench it.
Human love readily works on a tit-for-tat basis. God's love comes first and makes us able to love without calculation (1 John 4:19).
Intimacy is being known without having to hide. It is decided each day, in the couple as in the Church.
Sexuality lived as a confirmation of the marriage covenant has a power and a beauty that are not obtained cheaply.
Love is not only a feeling, it is a decision: it is better to keep the fire going than to have to relight it, and to invite God into every area of life.

Personal application

What are you trying to fill your thirst to be loved and accepted with, and does it truly satisfy you?
In which relationship are you operating tit-for-tat, waiting for the other person to make the first move?
Where do you still have to "suck in your stomach": is there someone with whom you could dare to show yourself as you are?
Which area of your life do you prefer to keep closed to Jesus, and who could you talk to about it?
What could you do this week to keep the fire going in your marriage or your friendships, rather than waiting for it to die out?

Verses cited

Frequently asked questions

What does 1 John 4:19 change in the way we love?

For Wilf and Christa Gasser, human love often works tit-for-tat: I give as long as you give. 1 John 4:19 overturns this logic: we love because God first loved us. At the beginning, there is not our passion or our commitment, but God's free love. That is where we can love from, even when we feel taken advantage of in a relationship.

What is intimacy according to Wilf and Christa Gasser?

Intimacy is being known without having to hide: living a relationship without concealing your fears, your shame or your anger. It is not reduced to sexuality. It is lived in the couple, but also in the Church, in a small group, around a table or by opening your home.

What should you do when you feel alone in wanting more intimacy in your marriage?

The couple advises starting with yourself: tell your spouse, "I am looking for help for myself, come with me," and go alone if you have to, rather than arguing about who needs help the most. They also recommend talking with trusted friends, bringing the situation before God and relying on the support offered by the Church.