Forgiveness: The Hidden Heart Behind Your Prayer

Introduction

For a few weeks now, you've been hearing about prayer in this series on our relationship with God. Together we looked at the Lord's Prayer, that model prayer Jesus gave his disciples. Today we're getting a little ahead of ourselves, because there's an attitude that often hides behind your prayers, and it comes down to a single word: forgiveness.

The key passage is Matthew 6:14-15. Right after the Lord's Prayer, Jesus continues: "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you don't forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." These two verses land hard. They come to shake up the way you pray, the way you love, the way you live with others.

Forgiveness is a gift God gives you, one you then pass on. It's not yet reconciliation, where both parties come back together. It's more modest, but it's decisive: it's what makes reconciliation possible again. It's almost like a release, a moment when you put things back where they belong. We saw this recently in the United States: in an absolutely terrible situation, a man devoted to his faith and to politics was assassinated, and his widow publicly forgave the killer. There was obviously no reconciliation. But there was a first step. At the very least, we'll see what that does for her.

In this article, you'll see three things: what Jesus calls a "trespass," what it means to forgive, and how you can step into that forgiveness.

Article Outline

1. What Jesus Calls a "Trespass"

To understand forgiveness, you first have to understand what's being forgiven. Jesus speaks of "offense," "trespass," "sin." These words aren't just horizontal, between you and the other person. They're first of all vertical: an offense against God.

You've inherited a broken world. There's nation against nation, conflict in every sphere. And often you try to protect yourself against this global toxicity. You use the weapons of silence, or of shame, to shield yourself from what might hurt you. Here, we're not talking about abuse or crime, that's a different conversation, one that needs more time. We're talking about ordinary life on earth, the kind where we wound each other through misunderstandings, through real or imagined insults.

But where does this toxicity come from? To understand its origin, you have to go back far. You carry a human nature damaged by sin, which has produced distance and shame before God. Man began to live as if he were sovereign over himself. Romans 5:12 says it plainly: "Therefore, as sin entered into the world through one man, and death through sin; and so death passed to all men, because all sinned."

Because of this separation from God, you reign over your own life in a society where everyone thinks of themselves as king. Naturally, there are clashes, conflicts, offenses. But these frictions are only symptoms of the deeper sin that has cut you off from God.

2. What's Happening Backstage in Your Prayers

These wounds play out backstage in your prayer, often without you even noticing. You've been hurt, so you want to pray for the person. Or rather, you don't want to pray for the person. You want to pray for everything else on your heart, except for them.

Or maybe you're like the psalmists, hot in the moment, and it comes out David-style: "Lord, break their teeth!" Or else you're a very spiritual person, you know Jesus asks you to pray for your enemies. So you pray something like: "Lord, bless her with humility." In other words: humiliate her, Lord.

Do you see how unforgiveness can disguise itself as prayer? To be fair to David, he wasn't praying for revenge: he was putting his situation into the Lord's hands. And when Jesus asks you to pray for your enemies, he isn't asking you to bless them by way of humiliation.

Forgiving someone is a release. It's recognizing that there is only one Judge, and it isn't you. As Craig Keener puts it: "The day of judgment belongs to God alone. And when we claim that sole prerogative for ourselves, we collide idolatrously with his deity, thereby deserving judgment." In other words: when you refuse to forgive someone, you're taking God's place. You're pronouncing a verdict. You're condemning in his place. And because you're stealing God's throne, you yourself become liable to judgment. That's why Jesus insists: you must forgive, and forgive from the heart.

3. What "Forgiving" Really Means

We teach children to say "sorry." One says "sorry," the other says "sorry," but we all know very well that nothing real actually passed between them. There's an act of forgiveness that has to happen.

The word Jesus uses, in the biblical dictionary, is translated as: "to free oneself from an obligation or a legal or moral consequence, to cancel, to release, to forgive." I'll say it again: to free oneself from an obligation, to cancel like a debt, to release. It's more than a feeling. It's more than a few hollow words. Something has to happen in the heart.

How do you know if you've really forgiven someone? It isn't easy. Dallas Willard puts it well: "We forgive someone a wrong they've done when we decide we will no longer make them suffer for it."

That's where forgiveness gets hard. You reach that point of deep release where you can say: "Okay, I no longer want to make you pay." That rules out the petty prayers I just described. It also rules out blessing-prayers that are really knives in disguise.

Of course, it all depends on how serious the offense was. Honestly, there are plenty of things you take to heart that you should probably just let go of. For more serious things, it can take a long process. You say, "Yes, Lord, I forgive them." Five minutes later, it comes back. The frustration rises. "Lord, I forgive them." And so on, all day long. What matters is keeping your heart tender, letting God do the work in you, at his own pace. Because God's pace isn't yours. You want him to free you right now. Maybe he has things to show you as you let go of that wound, little by little. Sometimes there are things that are humanly impossible to forgive. You need God's power for that.

4. How Were You Forgiven?

A good question to ask yourself is: how were you forgiven? Think of it like social media. Someone offends you, you block them. To come back and forgive, something has to happen. Sooner or later, you have to unblock.

When you despise someone, that's an offense. Maybe the person doesn't see it. Often they do see it, but maybe you think they don't. God sees it, though. And despising someone made in the image of God, just as you are, is ultimately sinning against God.

The Lord's Prayer says it: "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." The word for "trespasses" is debt. Forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors. When you despise others, you dig that debt deeper. You create a world overloaded with debt toward one another, but above all a world overloaded with debt toward God.

You've run up a bill you can't pay, a verdict before God you can't get around, a vicious cycle you keep sinking into. That is exactly why Jesus was sent. God took humanity upon himself. Jesus became a man. It's humanity that created this environment, so it's by becoming a man that Jesus comes to bring it out of that vicious cycle. He paid with his own life what we owe one another, and above all what we owe God, to wipe out that debt.

Romans 5:18 says it: "So then as through one trespass, all men were condemned; even so through one act of righteousness, all men were justified to life." Christ has already done everything needed to remove that shame through his own life, and he offers you the chance to become a child of God through faith in him.

5. Forgiving Doesn't Make You Better Than the Other Person

So how do you forgive? And why? First of all, it isn't something you earn. If you forgive others, it's not because you've figured something out or reached some plateau where "finally, you're good." And this is the hardest part of being a Christian: if you manage to forgive someone, that doesn't make you better than they are. Because you received forgiveness. And what you receive from Christ, you pass on to others.

When you get your paycheck from your employer, nobody thanks the bank that processed the transfer. In the same way, you aren't the source of forgiveness. Jesus is the source. You receive it, you pass it on. You can only give what you've received.

That's where Jesus's warning comes in. Listen closely: if you can't manage to forgive others, it's quite possible you don't belong to Christ. It isn't your refusal to forgive that earns hell. It's the refusal of his forgiveness, the claim that you don't need him.

6. The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant (Matthew 18:23-35)

Jesus gives an example, and as always, it's the best example. It's in Matthew 18:23-35. The kingdom of heaven is like a king. Let's bring it up to date: a president. He's heard that one of his ministers embezzled 10 million euros. He calls him in: "Here's all the proof. The deficit is significant. You owe me these 10 million." The press is right there, everyone's watching.

The man sees his whole life collapsing. He'd wasted it all on an extravagant lifestyle. He begs: "Have mercy on me, or I'll go to prison, my life is ruined." The president thinks about it, then says: "Listen, I forgive you, I release you from this debt." The man walks out, relieved. And what does he see? Chloé. "Chloé, don't you owe me the 100 euros I lent you last week?" She replies, "I'll ask my father, he'll pay for me, but I don't have it." The man, showing no mercy, insults her in front of everyone and threatens to pursue her and her father. The press is still right there. It makes the front page of Libération, of Le Figaro. Everyone knows.

And here's what Jesus says, verse 32: "Then his lord called him in, and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt, because you begged me. Shouldn't you also have had mercy on your fellow servant, even as I had mercy on you?' His lord was angry, and delivered him to the tormentors, until he should pay all that was due to him. So my heavenly Father will also do to you, if you don't each forgive your brother from your hearts."

The difference between the unmerciful servant and what should have been is a condition of the heart. His debt was paid. But he never truly received that payment, because right afterward he behaves like someone who has never received grace.

Key Takeaways

• Forgiveness is a gift you receive before it's a gift you pass on. You aren't the source, Jesus is.
• Refusing to forgive is stealing God's throne. You make yourself judge in his place, and you yourself become liable to judgment.
• Forgiving isn't forgetting or manufacturing a feeling, it's deciding to stop making the other person pay for what they did to you.
• Forgiveness isn't reconciliation, but it's what makes reconciliation possible again.
• It can be a long process: keep your heart tender and let God work at his own pace, not yours.

Personal Application

Take a quiet moment and answer these questions honestly.

• Is there someone you carefully avoid talking to God about? What does that silence say about the forgiveness you're withholding?
• In your prayers, do you sometimes disguise unforgiveness as a "blessing prayer"? How is the Lord inviting you to be more honest?
• Using Dallas Willard's definition ("deciding to no longer make the other person suffer for what they did to you"), where do you actually stand with the people who hurt you?
• Are you willing to accept that forgiving can be a long process, one where you say "Lord, I forgive them" again every day?
• Have you truly received Christ's forgiveness for yourself, or are you still living like the unmerciful servant, released from his debt, but never letting grace change his heart?

Scriptures Cited

• Matthew 6:14-15 (WEB) · "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."
• Romans 5:12 (WEB) · "As sin entered into the world through one man, and death through sin."
• Romans 5:18 (WEB) · "Through one act of righteousness, all men were justified to life."
• Matthew 18:23-35 (WEB) · The parable of the unmerciful servant.
• Matthew 6:9-13 (WEB) · The Lord's Prayer, which this passage on forgiveness directly continues.

Further reading

• Home Group Themes: 30 Ideas
• Welcoming New Participants in a Small Group
• How to Lead a Bible Discussion

FAQ

Does forgiving mean excusing or minimizing what was done to me?

No. Forgiving isn't saying "it doesn't matter." It's recognizing that a real debt existed and choosing to stop making the other person pay it. As the message reminds us, it's also important to distinguish the wounds of ordinary life from cases of abuse or crime, which call for other steps (justice, protection, support) alongside the inner path of forgiveness.

What if I forgive in the morning and the wound comes back in the afternoon?

That's normal, especially for serious offenses. Forgiveness isn't always a one-time event; it's often a process. You say "Lord, I forgive them" as many times as you need to. What matters is keeping your heart tender and letting God work in you at his own pace, without condemning yourself for not getting there all at once.

Does forgiving mean reconnecting with the person as before?

Not necessarily. Forgiveness isn't reconciliation. Forgiveness is an act you take before God, alone if need be. Reconciliation requires two people and assumes the relationship can be rebuilt in truth. Forgiveness makes reconciliation possible again, but it doesn't require it.

Take Action

If you've been hurt, perhaps even deeply, and you don't know how to forgive, don't stay alone with your wound. Turn to Jesus. The one who died for you offers you the strength you need. He walks with you through forgiveness over time. You don't have to produce it on your own, you only have to receive it and let it flow through you.