Philippians 2: How to Strengthen Unity in Your Home

Introduction

Joël Vögeli opens his message with a memory: the third date with the woman who would become his wife, in Winterthur. That evening, at a bar, he told her he loved her and that he would like to start a relationship with her. He has never forgotten her answer: "I have to go to the restroom." After a wait that felt to him like five hours, she came back and told him she needed a little more time. Three months later, they were together. Today they have been married for eighteen years and have two children.

The ICF Zürich preacher describes a life full of people: a family he loves, parents and siblings he has always been on good terms with, and a church he has been part of for twenty-four years. Yet on closer inspection, he was surprised to find many moments when, in the evening at home, he felt alone. His heart was "not quite connected."

Looking back, he thinks he took one central message of the Bible too lightly. In this message from the series on blessing the home, he opens Philippians 2 and asks a simple question: how do we strengthen cohesion in our relationships? His answer fits in one sentence: take Jesus Christ as your model.

Message outline

1. Having relationships is not enough

Paul rejoices that the Philippians live in fellowship, but his joy will be complete when they have the same mind, the same love, and one soul (Philippians 2:2).
The Bible does not simply ask us to have relationships or to avoid splitting apart: "Truly invest in the absolutely good quality of your relationships." It is not enough to be "somewhat reconciled."
The preacher calls for strengthening cohesion in families, in small groups, and in the whole community.
He cites a Harvard study that has been running since 1938 with hundreds of people, who are interviewed about every three years. The factor that stands out in predicting whether someone ages happy and healthy is not exercise, career, salary, cholesterol, or even being married: it is the quality of relationships.
"Once again, science confirms what the Bible has been saying for a long time."

2. The psalm of Christ: Jesus comes down to our level

For Joël Vögeli, Philippians 2:6-11 is one of the most beautiful texts in the Bible, a text of worship that describes the heart of Jesus. He reads it as a song of praise, and the congregation ends with a big round of applause for Jesus.
Though equal with God, Jesus did not cling to that equality. He gave up everything, became like a slave, humbled himself, and obeyed to the point of death on the cross. God exalted him and gave him the name that is above every name.
On the whiteboard, the preacher draws God on one side and humanity on the other. To restore the connection, Jesus comes into the world and meets us "at eye level": we can understand him and he understands us.
He sees people's needs, serves them all the way to the cross, and becomes their Savior. God exalts him, and people bow the knee before him again.
Verses 3 and 4 draw the lesson: "doing nothing through rivalry or through conceit, but in humility, each counting others better than himself; each of you not just looking to his own things, but each of you also to the things of others." Jesus counted us as more important than himself and serves us where we need it most.

3. Sensitivity: seeing the need behind the cry

The preacher is married to a psychologist. With humor, he claims that everything is "perfectly normal, like in any marriage, as long as I take my psychotropic drugs and answer the questions she asks me on the couch," before correcting himself: "No, of course not."
From her profession, his wife brought home a notion that matches what Jesus lives out: sensitivity. In the 1970s, developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth showed that parents' sensitivity is the major factor that allows a child to build stable relationships and a basic sense of trust.
A child cannot yet say what he or she needs, so the child cries. Being sensitive means going toward the child, not just trying to stop the crying, but sensing the specific need and responding to it, every time.
In the Vögeli family, this has become a written value: "We are sensitive. In our home, everyone's needs matter."
He tells of an ordinary evening: he is cooking pasta when a child starts to whimper. His heart, rather "focused," wants to finish the meal. Then he remembers the value they chose: he takes the pot off, turns off the burner, washes his hands, runs toward the child... and three meters in front of him, his wife arrives two seconds earlier and comforts the child. "All that for nothing." But a value is something you train, again and again.
In the 1990s, emotionally focused couple therapy showed that sensitivity matters for adults too. Where it is missing, arguments are born, even relational panic and the urge to run away.
He admits that he quickly feels attacked when his wife tells him, for example, that he is too slow. Instead of looking for the need behind her words, he defends himself. Sometimes he hears the voice of the Holy Spirit: "Joël, your wife is right again. Listen, look at her need."
It is the same in friendship: a friend who is going through a hard time and is being difficult has a need. "Who sees it? Do you see it?"

4. Jesus answers every time I cry out

Jesus is his model of sensitivity: "Every time I cry out to him, he responds." The preacher admits that we do not always feel it in the moment, but that when he looks back over his life, he sees it.
As a teenager, he was bitter and felt like a victim, disadvantaged, never seen. He cried out to God, who "destroyed all his enemies," he jokes, before correcting himself: God saw his real need. He experienced God's holiness like never before, understood how much his heart needed the grace of Jesus, and his outlook moved from a victim mentality to a mentality of grace. "I am someone who has received grace."
In his twenties, he was almost crushed by expectations. God did not simply give him a few more successes: he challenged him to be more honest about his weaknesses and mistakes. He built a culture of honesty and overcame that burden through Jesus.
In his thirties, he was often afraid of the future: one mistake, and the church he leads or his marriage would collapse. God challenged him to make decisions courageously despite his fears.
In his forties, he came very close to falling into alcohol dependence. He cried out to God, who was his coach, walked with him through therapy, and taught him to lead himself.
He then asks his questions: what are the deep needs of those around you, your wife, your children, your friends, your parents, your siblings? How do you respond to them? Where do you misread them?
He himself admits he is not a great "Gespürschmi," as they say in Swiss German, someone who senses things. "But I can ask: what do you need right now?"

5. The Trinity: unity with clear roles

The psalm of Christ shows another dynamic: the relationship between the Father and the Son. The unity of God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, is "the greatest cohesion and the best relationship" we can take as a model.
All three are holy, divine, in agreement with one another, full of authority, and worthy of worship. Yet the Father is not the Son, and the Son is not the Holy Spirit.
The Father sends the Son, and the Son obeys, though equal with God. The Son dies, the Father exalts him, and he is worshiped to the glory of the Father. In John 14, the Son asks the Father to send the Holy Spirit, who completes the work begun at the cross, makes us more like Jesus, and helps us walk as children of the Father.
"The Father is the author of the story of salvation. Jesus carries it out and himself becomes salvation. The Holy Spirit accomplishes in our lives what the story of salvation began."
There is never any rivalry between these roles. Jesus discerns what the Father expects of him and commits to it fully.

6. What is your role in your family?

Joël Vögeli thought it was simple: "I am the father, that's it." When his first daughter was born, he discovered that some things he believed were part of his role were not useful to her, and that other things she needed did not seem to him to be his job. He had to define his role more precisely.
First role: stabilizer. Everyone in the family can live through all of their emotions. He brings back peace, takes the initiative for reconciliation and for getting back together around the table.
Second role: initiator. On days off, he brings the ideas. He plans vacations, even though organizing is not his passion, because this role serves everyone.
Third role: spiritual leader. He suggests praying together at the table, takes the initiative when someone is sick, prepares communion and brings it to the table. He makes sure the family is connected to the church, financially and in fellowship. He drives the devil out of the family, puts him back in his place, and speaks prophetically over his loved ones. This does not mean his wife contributes less spiritually: "Not at all." It is simply the role he says yes to.
A few months ago, he handed over leadership of ICF's age groups, from children to young people, to Paul Sieber. He then thought about his new role almost every day, talked about it with his leader, with peers, with his wife, and above all he prayed. One day he told himself: "I would like to have the same passion for discerning my role at home, in my friendships, as a son of my parents."
His questions: what is my role? What do I have to give? What has God called me to, and do I truly accept this role? We discover it in God's presence, and then we commit to it with courage.

7. "Bless my home, and use me"

He talked about these roles with his wife. She is the one who sets the rhythm: every few months, she adjusts the family's organization, schedules, and division of tasks. "She is so smart, brilliant," and he submits to this role.
Because they talk about their roles, their marriage brings them joy and their unity grows. "Like the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, we are equal. We are one, but we know our roles."
During this series, the church sang "The Blessing," which draws on the blessing of Aaron (Numbers 6:24-26). The preacher issues a challenge: not only to say "God, bless my home," but to add: "Wherever you want to do it through me, I say yes."
The Holy Spirit often works on you through other people, and on your wife, your husband, your friend, through you.
He concludes by inviting the congregation to stand and pray: "Jesus, we take you as our model today. You said yes to the role that was yours, you served where your Father called you." And he concludes: "Yes Jesus, bless our home and use me, God, wherever you want."

Key takeaways

Having many relationships does not protect you from loneliness: God calls us to invest in their quality and to become truly united.
Jesus is the model of unity: he comes down to our level, sees our needs, and serves us where we need it most.
Sensitivity means looking for the need behind the cry or the reproach. When you do not know how to sense it, you can ask.
The Trinity shows perfect unity with clear roles and no rivalry. In a home, clear roles help cohesion grow.
Praying for the blessing of your home also means accepting that God will use you to give it.

Personal application

What are the deep needs of your spouse, your children, your friends, or your parents right now? Do you know them?
In your last argument, did you try to defend yourself or to understand the need behind the other person's words?
When in your life did you cry out to God and see that he answered your real need, even in a different way than you expected?
What is your role in your family, and do you truly accept it? Have you talked about it with your spouse or those close to you?
Are you ready to pray this week: "Bless my home, and use me to do it"?

Verses cited

Frequently asked questions

What is the "psalm of Christ" in Philippians 2?

Joël Vögeli uses this name for Philippians 2:6-11, one of his favorite texts. Jesus, equal with God, emptied himself, became human, and obeyed to the point of death on the cross. God exalted him and gave him the name that is above every name. For the preacher, this is the model to follow in order to strengthen unity: Jesus comes down to our level, sees our needs, and serves us where we need it most.

What does sensitivity mean in a relationship?

Sensitivity means not only hearing the cry or the reproach, but looking for the need hidden behind it and responding to it. Developmental psychology showed this in children, and then couple therapy in adults: where it is missing, conflicts are born. Joël Vögeli points out that Jesus lives out this sensitivity: every time we cry out to him, he responds.

Why talk about roles in the family if we are equal?

Because the Trinity sets the example. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are all God, holy and united, and yet they have clear roles, without rivalry. Joël Vögeli explains that he and his wife are equals, but that they talk about their respective roles, and that their unity grows because those roles are clear.