Peacemaker With Your Neighbor: Seeing Beyond the Behavior

Introduction

As part of a series on the art of loving your neighbors, Dan Evenhuis preaches at Citywide Baptist Church in Hobart on a demanding theme: being a peacemaker. Not someone who keeps up a surface peace, but someone who seeks the real good of the people who live around them.

He starts from a simple conviction: the same gesture can be made with a sincere heart or an absent one. You tell your neighbor "I'm praying for you" while only pretending, or while genuinely making peace. The behavior is identical, but your neighbor can feel the difference.

Drawing on his experience with troubled young people in England, then on Galatians 6, Romans 12 and Jeremiah 29, he gives a definition: "A peacemaker is someone who seeks the flourishing of the people around them."

Message Outline

1. The Art of Receiving, With No Hidden Agenda

A pastor attends a weekly Bible study followed by a meal. She is allergic to onions, garlic and dairy, and she keeps saying: "Don't worry about me, I'll bring my own crackers and cheese."
A few weeks later, the hostess insists on cooking in a way that lets her take part. The pastor takes a deep breath, explains that she often finds it hard to trust in these situations, then gives the list of her allergies. The hostess makes a quiche with none of those ingredients, and from then on the pastor can share the meal.
The relationship grows stronger on both sides: one learns to trust, the other feels encouraged and trusted. Loving your neighbor also means accepting being vulnerable and letting yourself be served.
The preacher warns against the manipulative version: emptying your sugar bowl so you can go and ask your neighbor for sugar and take a look inside their home. "The art of receiving is not a way to manipulate." Australians, he says with humor, sniff out ulterior motives even when there are none.

2. Seeing the Person Behind the Behavior

In an English village of about 5,000 people, Dan Evenhuis is a Christian volunteer facing a wave of antisocial behavior among young people aged 15 to 17. Some had been expelled from several schools.
Approaching a group of teenagers standing in a circle meant overcoming his fear. His rule: see the person behind the behavior, see them as God sees them, then reflect that back to them.
He invited them to a youth space open for them. It was a rough season: drugs outside the door, an emergency exit left ajar, probably so they could come back and vandalize. He spent two hours on the phone, then climbed a spiked fence to go and close it.
He knew which young person had done it. That teenager and his twin lived in a very dysfunctional family, with a stepfather who didn't want them. Knowing the story brings compassion for the person behind the behavior.
A local council official used to say: "I wish you'd go to Mars and come back when you're human." Two approaches stand in contrast: "You're not welcome," or "You're welcome, we love you, but let's work together on this behavior."
One young person did not say a single word to him for two years. Sometimes it takes that long to build trust.

3. All Behavior Is a Form of Communication

Behavior is always complex and has several sources. It can't be reduced to a single cause, but every action tries to meet a need: safety, frustration, what is going on inside.
The preacher illustrates this with himself. In the car, someone points out that he should have gone straight ahead. He notices a reflex in himself: "I must be wrong." He grew up in a way that makes it hard for him to assert himself. Very often, he says, we don't know why we react the way we do.
A few markers, offered with caution: anger can come from a wound, withdrawal from fear, control from insecurity, aggression from a lack of safety, and constant complaining from loneliness.
This does not excuse harmful behavior. An aggressive neighbor is "not acceptable." But when you see the person, you can choose your response instead of simply reacting.

4. Keeping Peace or Making Peace

The peacekeeper says: "Let's keep everyone happy," "At least let's get along," "As long as the majority is happy, that's enough."
The peacekeeper avoids hard conversations, smothers conflict, rescues people, carries what isn't theirs to carry, and above all looks for everyone's comfort. This helps no one flourish.
The fence example: the preacher's house dates from the early 1990s, and the fences are all giving out at the same time. A conversation with the neighbors is coming, perhaps a slightly tense one, but it is a chance to look for a solution together and deepen the relationship.
"True peace is not the absence of conflict. It is the presence of restored relationships, justice, truth and love."

5. Carrying Burdens Without Rescuing

Galatians 6:2 says: "Bear one another's burdens." When someone helps you carry a burden, it gives you strength and determination: you are not alone.
A few verses later, Galatians 6:5 adds: "For each one will bear his own burden." Sharing burdens, yes, but it is right for each person to carry their own load.
If you build a story with your neighbor that "you need me, you can't make it on your own," you rob them of their strength. This is even more true with children.
Three questions to ask: What is mine to carry? What is theirs? What can we carry together?
You are not alone: the Church is a network of skills. Someone from the church is often called on when elderly people have to leave their homes, and another can help with a garden that has become too much.
Sometimes you have to give up a few activities to make room for those who live around you, because the neighborhood is a front-line place of witness.

6. Loving Even Your Enemies: Romans 12

Jesus goes up another notch. His audience had known a thousand years of war and oppression, surrounded by Ammonites, Moabites and Philistines. And he says: "Love your enemies [...] and pray for those who mistreat you and persecute you" (Matthew 5:44).
Dan Evenhuis long read Romans 12 as a text about life among brothers and sisters. But from verse 14, Paul turns to enemies and to society. He sees in it "the best list in the Bible" on how to love your neighbor.
Bless those who persecute, rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep, do not repay evil for evil, feed your enemy when he is hungry, and overcome evil with good (Romans 12:14-21).
He especially loves verse 18: "If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." Some neighbors are hard to approach, and not everything rests on you. Vengeance belongs to God.

7. Seeking the Flourishing of Those Around You

Jeremiah writes to the exiles carried off from Jerusalem to Babylon: "Build houses, and live in them. Plant gardens, and eat their fruit [...] Seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive, and pray to Yahweh for it; for in its peace you will have peace" (Jeremiah 29:4-7).
God does not tell them to hide or run away, but to put down roots and be a people of peace and love right where they are.
Hence the line to remember: "A peacemaker is someone who seeks the flourishing of the people around them." Imagine the Christians of Hobart looking at their neighbors this way.
Behind facades that look normal, everyone is going through some kind of suffering. Many keep going with courage.
"Love your neighbor. Period." Churches too often say "love your neighbor so they'll come to church." It is not about loving with a hidden purpose. You will share your life and give an account of the hope that is in you, but love comes first.

Key Takeaways

The same gesture can be made for show or out of sincere love, and your neighbor can feel the difference.
All behavior communicates something. Seeing the person behind it lets you respond instead of react, without excusing what causes harm.
True peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of restored relationships, justice, truth and love.
Carry burdens with others without taking away their own load: walk alongside, don't rescue.
A peacemaker seeks the flourishing of those around them, with no hidden agenda.

Personal Application

Is there a neighbor to whom you offer a surface peace, making the right gestures without putting your heart into them?
Which difficult behavior around you might be hiding a wound, a fear or loneliness?
Which conversation are you avoiding in order to keep everyone happy, when it could restore a relationship?
With a loved one or neighbor who is struggling: what is yours to carry, what is theirs, and what can you carry together?
What activity could you lighten to make room for those who live around you?

Verses Cited

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the difference between keeping peace and making peace?

A peacekeeper mainly wants everyone to stay happy: they avoid hard conversations, smother conflict and carry what isn't theirs to carry. A peacemaker, according to Dan Evenhuis, knows that true peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of restored relationships, justice, truth and love.

What does it mean to see the person behind the behavior?

All behavior is a form of communication. Anger can come from a wound, withdrawal from fear, control from insecurity. This does not excuse harmful behavior, but it lets you choose your response instead of simply reacting.

How can I carry my neighbor's burdens without rescuing them?

Galatians 6 says both to bear one another's burdens and that each one will bear his own burden. Dan Evenhuis suggests three questions: what is mine to carry, what is theirs, and what can we carry together? The goal is to walk alongside and make the other person stronger, not to make them dependent.