Forgiveness Isn't Excusing: Three Steps to Set You Free

Introduction

You've probably heard this phrase tossed out too quickly in church: "you just need to forgive." And you walked away with the pain still intact, the injustice unacknowledged, feeling like you were being asked to act as if nothing happened. In this Sunday service, the preacher offers something different. Forgiveness, she says, is neither forgetting, nor excusing, nor necessarily reconciling. It's an act of justice before God, a path with several steps, an invitation, never a command. She has traveled extensively in Africa, in places where she met women who had lived through the unthinkable. What she shares here is solid, biblical, and grounded enough in reality to truly help you. You'll see: once you understand what God means by "forgive," you can free yourself from what's eating away at you, without denying what you went through.

Message outline

1. What forgiveness is not

• Forgiveness is not "you must." In the Bible, God rarely uses the language of law: "you must." He invites, he offers, he gives the ability to do it. Stepping out of "you must forgive" already lifts a weight that comes from law, not from the Gospel.
• Forgiveness is not excusing. God never says, "these poor humans, they have a hard life." He says plainly: "you sinned, what you did was not right." Forgiving a serious wrong has nothing to do with excusing it.
• Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation requires a restored relationship, an admission, a request for forgiveness made in person. If the other person never does that, you can forgive without ever resuming the relationship. God himself is only reconciled with those who ask him for forgiveness.
• Forgiveness is not forgetting. A woman who survived a gang rape or saw her children killed is not going to embrace her abusers. Confusing forgiveness with reconciliation adds a second violence on top of the first.

2. Forgiveness is a matter of justice (Matthew 18)

• Jesus tells the parable of a king settling accounts. A servant owes him 60 million pieces of silver, a lifetime's wages. The king cancels the entire debt. No sooner has he left than this same servant grabs a fellow servant who owes him 100 coins by the throat, refuses to wait, and has him thrown into prison.
• The king summons him, outraged: "Shouldn't you also have had mercy on your fellow servant, even as I had mercy on you?" And in his anger, he hands him over to the jailers until he should pay back everything owed.
• Jesus concludes: "So my heavenly Father will also do to you, if you don't each forgive your brother from your hearts." Forgiveness here is a legal act: a debt, a sentence, a release.
• In the Lord's Prayer, in Greek, "forgive" literally means "to release" or "untie," and "trespass" means "debt." The prayer becomes: "release us from the consequences of our debt, as we release others from the consequences of their debt toward us."
• Forgiveness, then, is not an emotion, nor a simple inner release. It's an act of justice before God, one that acknowledges the wrong, doesn't erase the fault, but cuts the tie of the debt.

3. First step: hand justice over to God

• You start by putting into words, before God, what you went through. You have the right to say: "you had no right to do that to me. My Father in heaven did not approve of what you did to me." The injustice is named, not drowned out.
• You can also, like David in the imprecatory psalms, express raw anger to God. "You deserve to be struck as you struck me, humiliated as you humiliated me." God receives that word. He already knows what's in your heart.
• Then you hand everything over into his hands. "Vengeance belongs to me, retribution belongs to me, says the Lord." As long as you carry this burden on your own shoulders, you're handed over to the jailer, just like in the parable. It isn't your place to judge: your shoulders aren't built for it.
• The practical exercise suggested: take three sheets of paper. On the first, the charge sheet: everything the person did to you, every consequence in your life. On the second, the sentence (what you think they'd deserve). On the third, the release: you hand justice over to God and cut the thread.
• Forgiveness is a matter of justice, not emotion. Once your thinking is right, the feelings will follow, not by magic, but little by little.

4. Second step: ask God to forgive the other person (Jesus on the cross)

• On the cross, Jesus doesn't say "I forgive you." He says: "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing." He appeals to the Father. This is a second step, deeper than the first.
• The condition is clear: "for they don't know what they are doing." Those who know exactly what they're doing (those who take pleasure in doing evil) aren't covered by this prayer. The discernment of the Holy Spirit helps you tell the difference. In the crowd that crucified Jesus, there were people who didn't know what they were doing, and there were leaders who knew the prophecies perfectly well.
• When you can ask God to forgive the one who hurt you, you're no longer only freeing yourself. You're also lifting their debt. "Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you release on earth will be released in heaven."
• This step isn't required. It sometimes takes time. Don't force it. It's a power God gives you, not a new law.

5. Third step: bless your enemies

• "Bless those who curse you, pray for those who persecute you." It's the strike, like in bowling: you send the ball and everything falls.
• Blessing an enemy doesn't mean endorsing what they did. It means entrusting them to God, wanting them to be transformed, won for the kingdom, pulled out of the enemy's hands. It's stepping into the real spiritual battle: winning people back rather than destroying them.
• At this point, you are seated with Christ in the heavenly places. You see things from above. You're no longer a victim, you're a soldier of Jesus.
• Don't rush. This three-step path takes time. God doesn't force you. He walks with you at your own pace.

6. A few important clarifications

• Forgiving doesn't mean not pressing charges. Human justice and divine justice are not the same thing. You can fully hand inner vengeance over to God while letting earthly law do its work.
• Forgiving doesn't mean praying every day for your abuser for years on end. Once you've laid the prayer down, God remembers it. You can cut the tie and trust him. The guilt that keeps you bound isn't from God.
• The plumb line is God's word (Amos). No culture, no family pressure, no religious pressure can force you to accept evil or keep silent. The absolute standard is what God says, not what custom says.

Key takeaways

• Forgiveness is neither excusing, nor forgetting, nor reconciling. It's a legal act before God.
• God doesn't command "you must forgive." He invites, offers, and gives the ability. Stepping out of law already brings relief.
• Forgiveness follows three steps: hand justice over to God, ask God to forgive the other person (when they didn't know what they were doing), bless your enemies.
• The Greek of the Lord's Prayer says it plainly: to forgive is to release; a trespass is a debt whose consequences are wiped away.
• This path takes time. God doesn't rush you. Walk at your own pace, but get moving.

Personal application

1. Which person came to mind immediately as you read this article? Take a sheet of paper and start writing what they did to you, without filtering yourself, as if you were speaking to them.
2. Have you been stuck in "I have to forgive"? Acknowledge before God that this command doesn't come from him, and let yourself be invited rather than forced.
3. Where are you confusing forgiveness with reconciliation? Are you carrying guilt for not resuming a toxic relationship, when you actually have the right to cut the tie?
4. Are you ready to ask the Holy Spirit for discernment: "Lord, did this person truly know what they were doing?" Listen for his answer before moving to the second step.
5. Is there an enemy you could bless this week, entrusting them to God and desiring their transformation? A single prayer, said once, is enough to begin.

Verses cited

• Matthew 18:21-35 (parable of the unforgiving servant)
• Matthew 6:9-15 (the Lord's Prayer)
• Luke 23:34 (Jesus on the cross: "Father, forgive them")
• Romans 12:17-21 ("Vengeance belongs to me, says the Lord")
• Matthew 5:44 (bless those who curse you)
• Matthew 18:18 ("whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven")
• Amos 7:7-9 (the plumb line)

Frequently asked questions

Can I forgive someone who never asked me for forgiveness?

Yes, and that's actually where forgiveness shows its full strength. Forgiveness sets you free. It doesn't depend on a request made by the other person. Reconciliation, on the other hand, does depend on that, and it can't happen if the other person doesn't acknowledge what they did. But you can absolutely forgive without ever restoring the relationship. God himself distinguishes forgiveness (which he makes possible for everyone) from reconciliation (which requires confession and a return to him). You have the right to release yourself from the debt even if the other person never apologizes.

If I forgive, can I still press charges or cut off the relationship?

Yes. Forgiving doesn't cancel earthly justice. You can hand inner vengeance over to God (that is, give up seeking your own justice in your heart), while letting human law do its work at the same time. This is often necessary, especially to protect other potential victims. You can also decide to cut off a relationship that stays toxic. Forgiveness frees you from the inner weight; it doesn't require you to expose yourself to harm again.

Why does Jesus say "forgive them, they don't know what they're doing," when some clearly did know?

On the cross, there were two kinds of people. On one side, the religious leaders who knew the prophecies and knowingly chose to put Jesus to death to keep their power. On the other, a crowd that followed along without really understanding. Jesus's prayer applies to this second group. For you today, this means you can use discernment: among those who hurt you, some weren't aware of what they were doing, and for them you can ask the Father to forgive them. For those who knew exactly what they were doing, that particular prayer isn't the approach. You can hand them over to God's justice, and he alone will decide. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you, person by person, where each of these wounds stands.