Follow to Become, Before "I Do"

Follow to become, before "I do"

You dream of a beautiful relationship, a solid marriage, an "I do" that lasts through time. That is legitimate. No one commits expecting to get it wrong. Yet many relationship choices go wrong, not for lack of love, but for lack of inner preparation. In the Matin'elles program at Impact Centre Chrétien's 2026 Women's Camp, Patricia welcomes Pastor Malka Ibangu, a relationship coach, to lay out a simple principle rarely taught: before choosing a spouse, you must first become someone. And to become, you must follow.

Our relationships do not start the day we meet someone. They start well before, with the person we already are, and above all with the person we are becoming. You always choose based on your identity, your wounds, your experiences, your level of maturity. The choice is never made in a vacuum. That is why Malka lays out four steps in the right order: follow, become, choose, commit.

1. Follow: no one becomes who they are by accident

The first step is understanding that no one becomes someone by accident. To become, you need a model. Malka reads Matthew 4:19, where Jesus speaks to two fishermen already settled in their trade: "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." In other words: "If you follow me, you will become what you are not yet."

These men had a job, a skill, a routine. They were already someone. But what they did was not their destiny. You too might have degrees, a career, a car, a first home you bought, and think to yourself, "There, I'm ready to choose." Except Jesus is not satisfied with your outward achievements. He offers to let you follow him so that you become what he had planned.

He is essentially telling you: "I know you have been hurt, that your identity has been broken, that you were told you were not capable, that those who were supposed to protect you abused you instead. Follow me, and I will use all of it for my glory. I will make you into what you were meant to become." And it is that transformed person who will be able to make choices aligned with their destiny.

2. Become: renewed in his image

Following Jesus is not just about being at church. It is about obeying his commandments, applying his word, not negotiating it. It is letting yourself be saturated by the Word so you are renewed in your understanding, in your way of thinking, in your way of seeing things.

Malka quotes Philippians 2:5: "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus." By following him, you develop his character, his compassion, his way of looking at people. Your identity changes. You no longer see yourself through the hurtful words you have recorded your whole life, but according to how he sees you.

That is where the inner work happens: wounds are healed, forgiveness is granted even to those who did not deserve it, the soul is restored. And your future choices will naturally reflect that new identity, gained by following Christ.

3. Choose: discern by the Spirit, not by emotions

Once transformed, a person no longer chooses based on how they feel, but on what they discern. Discernment comes through the Holy Spirit, who becomes a reliable ally in your choice. You no longer choose because "his cologne smells good, so his heart must be good too." You choose because the Spirit is instructing you.

Malka relies on Psalm 32:8: "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you." The Spirit teaches you how to approach that sister, how to relate to that brother, which part of your character you still need to work on. He even watches over the missteps you could make.

You no longer choose based on appearances, ethnic background, height, income, or "six-pack abs" that will fade anyway. God knows what is in the heart. Behind a beautiful facade can hide someone broken; behind a modest appearance can hide a true gem. Trust him, do not follow him halfway, do not negotiate his instructions.

4. Commit: accept being accompanied

As an example, Patricia and Malka welcome the Yao Kouakou couple (Debora and Emmanuel), whom the pastor accompanied through their journey. Debora shares honestly: at first, she wanted to keep control. She would block Emmanuel, delete his number, refuse to be vulnerable in front of the pastors. She wanted a Christian marriage, but without the protocol Christ himself put in place.

What unlocked the situation was Emmanuel's firmness: "If we don't get accompanied, we're done." Debora realized she could lose the relationship. So she opened up, agreed to expose her soul, and shared the struggles. The result: they saved a considerable amount of time, communication improved, and today they are married and parents.

Emmanuel points out that even the secular world understood this principle: at city hall, you do not get married without a witness; in couples, marriage counselors exist. Refusing this kind of accompaniment is a sign of pride. Malka quotes Ecclesiastes 4:12: "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." The third strand is the Holy Spirit, working through men and women who have already walked that path.

Key takeaways

• The choice is never made in a vacuum. You always choose through your identity, your wounds, and your level of maturity.
• Follow comes before become, become comes before choose, choose comes before commit. The order matters.
• We become who we follow. The person you imitate is a preview of what you will become.
• Discernment replaces emotions once your mind has been renewed by the Word.
• Letting yourself be accompanied is not optional. It is a Kingdom culture, not a lack of faith.

Personal application

1. What model are you currently following in your relational life? Is it truly someone who follows Christ?
2. What wounds or limiting beliefs have you not yet handed over to Jesus for him to heal?
3. Do you make your relationship decisions based on your emotions or on the Holy Spirit's discernment?
4. Is there a pastor, a mature couple, or a mentor you are willing to be accountable to about your relationship?
5. What are you trying to protect by refusing to be vulnerable in front of someone who could accompany you?

Verses cited

• Matthew 4:19 : "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men."
• Philippians 2:5 : "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus."
• Psalm 32:8 : "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go."
• Ecclesiastes 4:12 : "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
• Romans 8:28 : "All things work together for good, for those who love God."

FAQ

Do I need to be "perfect" before choosing a spouse?
No. No one is perfect. But you need to be committed to the process of following Christ in order to become. A person who follows Jesus will make better choices than a person relying solely on their emotions.

Why accept pastoral accompaniment for your relationship?
Because a culture of accountability is a Kingdom culture. Two people who refuse all counsel often drive straight into a wall. Marriage is an institution God created with its own guidelines; refusing that framework is a sign of pride, not maturity.

What should I do if my partner refuses accompaniment?
Do what Emmanuel did with Debora: set a clear boundary. Without accompaniment, the relationship cannot move forward in a healthy way. This is not an ultimatum against the other person, it is standing on a biblical principle of safety.