Listening and Silence: Two Keys for Your Family

Uploaded: 2026-08-24T06:00:00+00:00
Description: You communicate a lot in your family. You talk at breakfast, you talk in the car, you talk at dinner, you talk in bed. And yet, something isn't getting through.

Listening and Silence: Two Keys for Your Family | Pastor René OUANDJI | Efficient Church

Introduction

You communicate a lot in your family. You talk at breakfast, you talk in the car, you talk at dinner, you talk in bed. And yet, something isn't getting through. Your husband carries on with his project without you, your wife shuts down, your children make their decisions without coming to you. In this sermon, Pastor René OUANDJI continues his series on family with a title that names the diagnosis: listening and silence within a family. The observation is blunt: God isn't looking for religious people, he's looking for people who listen to his Word and put it into practice. And the one key he offers, drawn from Philippians 2:4, will unsettle your flesh: placing the other person's interest above your own.

Outline of the message

A simple diagnosis: we talk a lot, we don't listen
Listen to each other as spouses
Parents, pay attention to your children
Children, listen to your parents
Silence in the family: the dimension we forget
The one key: Philippians 2:4

1. A simple diagnosis: we talk a lot, we don't listen

The pastor tells the story of a group of friends climbing ten flights of stairs with no elevator. One friend, who stutters, tries to get a word in at every landing. "Wait, we're tired, let us get there." When they reach the tenth floor, they finally let him speak. He says: "We forgot the key on the ground floor." They looked at each other, they had nothing left to say.
That's exactly what happens in many homes. There's a lot of communication between husband and wife, between parents and children, but no listening.
On Sunday, everyone looks good at church. But nothing can be hidden before God. It isn't your upbringing, your kindness, or your character that will make your home happy. It's putting God's Word into practice.
"You will be happy provided you put God's Word into practice." The pastor testifies: he was a Christian for years without being happy in his family life, because he wasn't applying it concretely.

2. Listen to each other as spouses

Don't confuse communication with listening. Communication is two-way: you speak and you listen. Many couples communicate a lot but don't listen.
Personal testimony: the pastor's father built a large building, spending thousands of euros. His wife told him he should instead build a shelter for the family. He didn't listen. He never finished that building. Years later, René himself had to tear it down (it had become derelict, dangerous for the neighbors), and spend a great deal of money doing so. The lack of listening between spouses can be catastrophic.
The key verse of the message: "Let each of you look not only to his own things, but also to the things of others" (Philippians 2:4). In marriage, we're too often stuck in "and me" and "I want." The Bible calls you to place your spouse's interest above your own.
Careful: listening doesn't mean agreeing. Some people, the moment the other person opens their mouth, are already against them, before a single word has even been spoken. Listening simply means paying attention to the other person, taking an interest in what's going on in their head, their fears, their needs.
"If you don't listen to your spouse, it's because you aren't interested in them." A strong statement, but a logical one: if you were as interested in your husband or wife as you are in yourself, you would listen to them the way you listen to yourself.

3. Jesus, the model of listening that humbles itself

The King of kings, the Creator of heaven and earth, humbled himself. He did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped, but took on the nature of a servant (Philippians 2:6-8).
On the road to the cross, Jesus did not say "let my will be done" but "let yours be done" (Matthew 26:39). Why? Because he placed your interest above his own. That's what led him all the way to Golgotha.
Jesus is your model. The lack of listening isn't just a skill to improve, it's a problem of the heart. The person in front of you doesn't interest you enough.

4. Knowing how to say "I was wrong"

Marriage is a household full of contrast: full of love, but also full of possible pride. There are husbands and wives who have never said "sorry" to their spouse. Why?
Saying sorry doesn't call your identity into question. It means humbling yourself before God and admitting: "Lord, I was wrong."
God hates the proud. If you strut like a rooster in front of your spouse, God will be waiting for you at the crossroads, at the last moment. He won't tear your hair out if you go and say "I was wrong", on the contrary, he will lift you up, because he reconciles everything.
It's never too late. The pastor's father could have, at any single moment, gone back and told his wife "I was wrong", God would have arranged everything. He didn't do it. He dug in his heels.
Testimony: the pastor learned to tell his wife, "honey, I'm sorry, forgive me, I was wrong." She didn't respect him any less for it, on the contrary, it strengthened their marriage, because he walks in truth and in humility.

5. Parents, pay attention to your children

This may sound like "the world turned upside down." The Bible encourages children to listen to their parents, but it also speaks the other way: "You fathers, don't provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).
Provoking doesn't only happen through provocation, it also happens through lack: lack of listening, lack of consideration, lack of attention.
Testimony: René comes from a culture (Cameroon, Africa) where children are listened to very little. Until you're 18 or 21, you can talk, but no one will listen to you. The first time he had a real adult-to-adult conversation with his father, he was 23 or 24. Thankfully, God goes beyond our cultures: he makes us new creations, he gives us the culture of the Kingdom.
How many times do we find out, from a WhatsApp message at the office, that we've become a grandparent, because the daughter never found the space to talk to her parents? Have you ever sat down next to your 15, 16, 17-year-old to listen to their fears, their questions about homosexuality, about divorce, about the thousand things weighing on them?
God can also call children very early and give them spiritual gifts. Look at Samuel called as a child (1 Samuel 3), John the Baptist filled with the Spirit from his mother's womb (Luke 1:15), the young Jesus at the temple at 12 years old (Luke 2:41-50). Are you listening for what God might be giving your child?

6. Children, listen to your parents

"Listen, my son, to your father's instruction, and don't forsake your mother's teaching" (Proverbs 1:8). And Proverbs 1:5: "Let the wise hear, and increase in learning." If you want to be wise, listen to your parents.
Listening to your parents means benefiting from their experience. The pastor's father was a weekend handyman, Saturday through Sunday. He taught his children to work with their hands, painting, carpentry, flathead screwdriver, Phillips screwdriver. René, the youngest, was the only one who stayed by his side. Today, he can do many things thanks to what his father passed on to him.
Listening to your parents also protects you from harm. The pastor points to the story of Samson (Judges 14): Samson sees a young Philistine woman he likes. His father says to him: "My son, isn't there a woman among our own people? Why go to the uncircumcised Philistines, this enemy nation?" Samson insists: "Get her for me, Father, get her for me." He doesn't listen.
That first act of disobedience opens the path that will later (Judges 16) lead him to Delilah. She will eventually pry out his secret, shave his head while he sleeps, and hand over to the Philistines the strongest man in Israel, now blinded and bound in chains. Listening to your parents can spare you so much danger, so much heartache.
You're two different generations, there will always be a gap. But listen to each other anyway.

7. Silence in the family: the dimension we forget

The title of the message also mentioned silence. There is too much noise in our families. When a difficulty comes, we don't stop talking. We call the cousins, the aunts, we tell everyone everything. But the solution doesn't come from them, it comes from God.
God is also the master of silence. Jesus, whenever he sensed a battle coming, would withdraw from the crowd. He loved going to pray at Gethsemane because he needed silence, and that's where he met his Father.
To listen to someone else, you have to be in silence. You can't listen to your neighbor while talking at the same time.
Testimony: in the family of six René grew up in, he had three sisters. The one who had the fewest problems was the one who talked the least. "A fool vents all of his anger, but a wise man brings himself under control" (Proverbs 29:11).
The Bible goes even further: "Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is counted wise; when he shuts his lips, he is thought to be discerning" (Proverbs 17:28).
If you talk a lot, you'll have a lot of problems. If you talk little, you'll have few problems. It's better to be thought a fool by men because you don't talk, and to be wise before your God.

8. The one key: Philippians 2:4

You won't need a human training course to develop your ability to listen. The key is this verse: "Let each of you look not only to his own things, but also to the things of others."
Apply it tonight in your marriage, in your relationship with your children, with your parents. Your flesh will resist it. You'll feel like you're trampling on yourself.
But remember: someone did it before you. He trampled on himself, and he was lifted up. He is seated at the right hand of God, Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior. You can imitate him.
Listening to the other person is also an act of trust in God. It's not saying, "if I listen to him, he'll think I agree." It's saying, "Lord, I want to understand what you're doing in my marriage, and I trust you for what comes next."

Key takeaways

God isn't looking for religious people, but for people who listen to his Word and put it into practice. You won't be happy in your family simply because you go to church on Sunday.
Communicating and listening aren't the same thing. Many homes communicate a lot but don't listen, hence the loneliness within the marriage, the distance from the children, the decisions made alone.
The key passage is Philippians 2:4: placing the other person's interest above your own. It's an act of humility, not an act of agreement. Jesus did it first, all the way to the cross.
Knowing how to say "I was wrong, I'm sorry" doesn't destroy your authority, it strengthens your marriage, your family, and God lifts you up because you're walking in truth.
Silence is also a key. There's too much noise in our families. When difficulty comes, be quiet, put the phones down, withdraw before God like Jesus at Gethsemane, and let him speak.

Personal application

In your marriage this week, what decision did you push ahead with without listening to your spouse? Take 15 minutes tonight to sit down, be quiet, and listen to them all the way through, even if you disagree.
When was the last time you said to your husband, your wife, your father, or your mother: "I was wrong, I'm sorry"? If those words never leave your mouth, ask God to break the pride holding you back.
Parent, set up a time with your child this week (11, 13, 15, 18, 25 years old, it doesn't matter). Not to give advice. Just to listen. Ask three questions and be quiet.
Child still living at home: remember Samson (Judges 14). What decision are you currently refusing to listen to your parents about? Take the time to weigh their words, they love you and want to protect you.
When a problem arises in your family, what's your first reflex: calling three cousins to tell them about it, or withdrawing for 30 minutes of silence to let God speak?

Verses cited

Frequently asked questions

What is the difference between communicating and listening in a marriage?

Communicating is two-way: you speak and you listen. In many homes, people communicate a lot but don't listen. Listening means paying attention to the other person, taking an interest in their fears, their needs, their feelings, even when you disagree. According to Philippians 2:4, it means placing your spouse's interest above your own. It's an act of humility, not an act of agreement.

Why should parents listen to their children?

Ephesians 6:4 says: "Fathers, don't provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Provoking isn't just about causing conflict, it also happens through a lack of attention, listening, and consideration. God can speak through your children and give them spiritual gifts. Taking 10 minutes to sit face to face with your son or daughter and listen to their fears and questions can save you years.

Why is silence just as important as listening in a family?

There's too much noise in our homes. To listen to someone else, you first have to be quiet. Proverbs 17:28 says: "Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is counted wise." When a difficulty arises, stop talking, stop calling every cousin to tell them your problems. The solution doesn't come from them, it comes from God. Jesus himself withdrew into silence at Gethsemane to meet with the Father.

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