Take Care of Your Marriage: The Gospel at the Heart of Your Marriage

Introduction

They say we marry for love and divorce for reason. In France, about 45% of marriages end in divorce, sooner or later. If you add long-term relationships that break up and civil unions that dissolve, that climbs to 60%. Almost half of divorces happen after 15 years of marriage: a lot of couples lose their way after years together. And among young people, fear of divorce has become one of the main reasons for not getting married at all. They've seen the divorces, sometimes lived through them as children, or watched marriages that lasted but weren't anything to aspire to.

So how do you take care of your marriage? Psychologists talk about communication, sex therapists offer tips, Valentine's Day shows up with its flowers. There's good in all of that. But it misses the key. We don't understand the engine of marriage, we don't understand its purpose. And if the foundation isn't solid, it will never work the way God intended. Today, we're going back to the foundation: the essence of marriage is the gospel. Our text is Ephesians 5:20-33.

Outline of the Message

1. Cultivate Gospel-Shaped Relationships (v. 20-21)

• Before talking about marriage, Paul describes a general atmosphere that should govern every Christian relationship. He's just spent three chapters explaining the depth of the gospel: despite our rebellion, God didn't abandon humanity. He came himself in Jesus, suffered in our place, and reconciled us to himself.
• Then Paul draws out the implications for our relationships: "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God also in Christ forgave you" (Ephesians 4:31-32). A Christian's ethic takes its cue from what God has done for him.
• Ephesians 5:20-21 sums up this attitude: "Giving thanks always concerning all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, to God, even the Father, subjecting yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ." Thankfulness and mutual submission, for the honor of God. It isn't the other person's kindness that drives you to love them, it's God's kindness.
• We live in a culture known for its complaints, its protests, its defense of personal rights. The Bible calls you to a counterculture: being ready to love the other person because God loved you so much.
• Imagine if, in the middle of your arguments, you stayed thankful for the other person and kept seeking their good. It's almost strange to picture, because it's the exact opposite of what usually happens in an argument.
• Now apply that to marriage. Recent studies show that even when both partners work full-time, most women still do more housework than their spouse. The gospel puts an end to the constant arguments over who takes out the trash, who changes the diaper, why the dishes weren't done. Instead of waiting for the other person to serve you, the gospel pushes you to serve first, even if you've done it the last 20 times. Because God served you first, and you honor God when you serve your spouse.
• A practical question for married couples: are you quicker to notice what's wrong in the relationship, or to celebrate what's going well?
• Here's the truth: 90% of what makes a marriage succeed is your character. Are you humble? Do you know how to respect the other person? Do you know how to forgive or ask forgiveness? Do you know how to speak the truth in love? Are you a thankful person? These are simple things that apply to any human relationship. The difference is that marriage cranks up the pressure to the max. You live with this person, you can't go home to decompress, she is your home. It's often in marriage that you discover your weaknesses for the first time: they never surfaced before because you'd never been under that kind of pressure.
• If your marriage is going to flourish, it starts there: let the gospel shape your character, and watch how that changes your relationship.

2. Aim for a Marriage Shaped Like the Gospel (v. 22-33)

• Paul then moves to instructions specific to marriage. The central idea: marriage is a picture. The wife and husband play different roles to illustrate the relationship between Christ and his church. If you want to live out marriage the way God intended, you need to aim for a marriage shaped like the gospel.

3. Wives: Follow Your Husband's Lead (v. 22-24)

• "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (v. 22). A taboo subject. We're in France, in the 21st century. There's even a political party called "the Unsubmissive." Submission isn't really our thing. But it's in the Bible, twice in this passage, and in several others (Colossians 3, 1 Peter 3, Titus 2, 1 Corinthians 11, 1 Timothy 2). We need to do something with that.
• Submission is a free, voluntary choice to follow someone else's lead, as an act of love. Nowhere in the Bible is a man told to force his wife to submit. Paul is sensitive to abuse: when addressing wives, he uses a milder verb form than the one directed at everyone in verse 21.
• This isn't submission to men in general, it's to her own husband. And it's "in the fear of Christ" (v. 21) and "as to the Lord" (v. 22). When a wife follows her husband's lead, it's a choice grounded in her trust in Jesus' leadership.
• What submission is not: it isn't a matter of worth. It's a matter of authority. A wife doesn't submit because her husband is more important, smarter, more capable, or holier. Man and woman both bear the image of God, equal in dignity, in value, and in salvation. But they're different in several ways, and God chose to give them different roles.
• The same Greek word for "submit" is used to describe Jesus submitting to the Father. Even within the Trinity, where there's no sin and no inequality, there's hierarchy and submission. When a wife submits to her husband, she's imitating Jesus in his relationship with the Father.
• But the picture emphasized here is Christ and the church (v. 23-24). A relationship of trust, faithfulness, and unity. A submission that covers every area: "as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything" (v. 24).
• Paul breaks apart the modern vision of marriage as a partnership between two individuals who each keep their own agenda, as long as the other doesn't get in the way. He's aiming for complete alignment.
• A concrete illustration: in the Italian-American family of Carly (the preacher's wife), there was a tradition where the mother, right before the wedding, would advise her daughter to hide some money from her husband, "in case he leaves you and takes everything." That's exactly the kind of self-protective attitude this verse targets. An approach that draws lines around certain parts of life, saying: "This is mine, you don't get a say." It might be about finances, parenting, career, or intimacy. These things are worth discussing, sure, but with what attitude?

4. Husbands: Love Your Wife as Christ Loved the Church (v. 25-30)

• Paul addresses husbands with a direct command: "Husbands, love your wives" (v. 25). He doesn't say "be loving." He says "love." It's a verb of action.
• The husband is called to follow Christ's example. His leadership in the family takes the shape of sacrificial love. He's called to die for his wife. Sure, we think of the Hollywood movie where the husband throws himself in front of bullets to protect his wife. Yes, a husband should be ready to give his physical life for the good of his wife and family. But Paul is talking about a lifetime of self-denial, a slow death. A daily death to his own interests, his own desires. His life no longer belongs to him.
• He follows the example of Jesus, who "came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom" (Mark 10:45). It's a sacrificial love, not merely a sentimental one.
• That's why 1 Corinthians 13 matters so much: "Love is patient and is kind... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (v. 4-7). Our culture, shaped by a selfish and sexualized version of love, struggles to grasp that love isn't just a feeling. It's an active choice to seek the good of the other person.
• A direct word to husbands: how many times have you justified your frustration by saying, "I'm only saying this because I love you"? Don't take your anger and call it love. That isn't the true love of Jesus.
• True love is ready to forgive and to be patient with deeply rooted sins in your wife, even if it takes decades to see change. It stays in hope and faith that God will finish the good work he started in her.
• This love has a specific purpose. Verse 26: "that he might sanctify her." Jesus gave his life for the church to sanctify her, to cleanse her by water and the word, to present her "gloriously, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, holy and without blemish" (v. 27). Jesus is aiming at his church's holiness, her spiritual growth, her freedom from sin, destructive habits, harmful thoughts, selfish attitudes.
• That's what should shape a couple's priorities, especially the husband's as the leader. When you try to lead your relationship, man, toward what end? A better economic status? Better vacations? A better position at work? Or is the priority above everything the holiness and spiritual growth of your family?
• Second principle (v. 28-30): husband and wife are one body. "He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it." One reason for division in marriage is that we keep thinking of our spouse as someone separate. You don't see that when she wins, you win; that when she's struggling, you're struggling too.
• Husband, a question worth asking yourself constantly: how is my wife doing right now? How can I help her? What can I do with my free time to make her day better?
• A personal testimony from the preacher: ten years ago, he was complaining to a professor from his seminary. He and Carly were going through a hard stretch. He was frustrated: it seemed to him she wasn't changing, or was changing too slowly. She was doing things that annoyed him. She was slowing him down in his own plans. The professor listened, then answered: "I'm afraid you don't yet believe you're one flesh with your wife." One of the keys to marriage is that principle of being one flesh.
• This self-denial changes everything in a couple's dynamic. It also frees the wife to submit to her husband: if he loves her this way, he'll naturally seek to understand her better and serve her. He'll listen to her, factor her into his decisions, model Jesus' sacrificial love in finances, in raising the kids, with in-laws, even in the bedroom. A lot more women would be glad to submit to their husbands, if their husbands acted this way.

5. The Real Purpose of Marriage: Sanctification, Not Satisfaction

• Of course, it doesn't always play out that way. Husbands struggle to lead well. Wives struggle to follow. You quickly discover just how hard it is to live out the gospel inside a marriage.
• That's exactly why this text teaches you that the purpose of marriage isn't your satisfaction or your pleasure. It's your sanctification. Marriage is a sanctification mechanism in God's hands. It exists to expose your flaws, one sinner facing another, but two sinners declared holy before God, progressively transformed into Christ's image, training one another through the process.
• If you aim for happiness in your marriage, you won't grow and you'll be disappointed. If you aim for sanctification, you'll grow, and you'll likely find happiness too.

6. The Mystery of Marriage (v. 31-33)

• Paul concludes by quoting Genesis: "For this cause a man will leave his father and mother, and will be joined to his wife. The two will become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I speak concerning Christ and of the church" (v. 31-32).
• When God created marriage, he already had in mind his plan of salvation and the relationship Jesus would have with his people. Marriage shows the whole world what the gospel looks like. It makes God's love visible in a world that no longer believes.
• The gospel is the engine of marriage. The purpose of marriage is the gospel. If you don't understand the gospel, you won't understand the purpose of your marriage or how to take care of it.
• The final verse (v. 33) sums it up: "Nevertheless each of you must also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

Key Takeaways

• Marriage isn't first fixed by communication tips or romantic gestures: its foundation is the gospel. God's kindness toward you becomes the engine of your kindness toward your spouse.
• 90% of what makes a marriage succeed is your character. Marriage cranks up the pressure to the max and reveals flaws you didn't know you had.
• A wife is called to voluntarily submit to her husband, as the church does to Christ. It's a matter of authority and role, not worth.
• A husband is called to love his wife with a sacrificial love, as Christ loved the church. A daily death to his own interests, aimed at his wife's holiness.
• The purpose of marriage isn't your satisfaction, it's your sanctification. Aim for happiness, and you'll be disappointed; aim for sanctification, and you'll grow, with happiness following.

Personal Application

• Are you quicker to notice what's wrong in your relationship or to celebrate what's going well? Where could you start giving thanks this week, concretely?
• What "line" have you drawn around some part of your life, saying: "This is mine, you don't get a say"? Finances, raising the kids, career, intimacy: what needs to be opened up with your spouse?
• Husband: when you lead your family, what's truly your priority? Status, vacations, career, or the holiness and spiritual growth of your wife and children?
• Have you ever justified your anger by calling it "love"? Reread 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and ask yourself whether what you call love looks like what Paul describes.
• Are you living with your spouse as "one flesh," or still as two separate individuals? What does that look like in your typical week?

Scriptures Cited

• Ephesians 5:20-33 · the main text: mutual submission, wives and husbands
• Ephesians 4:31-32 · the ethic of grace among Christians
• 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 · the hymn to true love
• Genesis 2:24 · "the two will become one flesh"
• Mark 10:45 · Jesus came to serve and give his life
• Colossians 3:18-19 · a parallel passage on wives and husbands
• 1 Peter 3:1-7 · instructions to wives and husbands

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a wife's submission in Ephesians 5?

Submission is a free, voluntary choice to follow a husband's leadership, as an act of love. Nowhere in the Bible is a man told to force his wife to submit; Paul is even sensitive to the risk of abuse in his choice of verbs. It's a matter of authority and role, not worth: man and woman both bear the image of God, equal in dignity and value. A wife submits to her own husband, not to men in general, and she does it in reverence for Christ, as a choice grounded in her trust in Jesus' leadership.

How should a husband love his wife according to Ephesians 5?

A husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church: with a sacrificial love, not just a sentimental one. That means dying daily to his own interests and desires, not just a one-time act of bravery. This love aims at his wife's holiness, her spiritual growth, her freedom from destructive habits. And he treats his wife as his own flesh: when she is well, he is well; when she suffers, he suffers. In practice, he keeps asking himself: how is my wife doing right now? How can I help her?

What is the purpose of marriage according to the Bible?

The purpose of marriage isn't your happiness, it's your sanctification. Marriage is a sanctification mechanism in God's hands: it exposes your flaws, one sinner facing another, but two sinners declared holy before God and progressively transformed into Christ's image. If you aim for happiness, you won't grow and you'll be disappointed. If you aim for sanctification, you'll grow, and you'll likely find happiness too. Marriage makes God's love visible in a world that no longer believes.