Finding a Spouse: Three Questions to Ask Before You Start

Introduction

Should you look for a spouse? The question sounds simple, but it touches something very personal: your story, your wounds, what you hope for in the years ahead. Maybe you grew up in a family marked by divorce, and the idea of marriage scares you. Maybe you're single by choice, or because you haven't found the right person. Maybe you're in a relationship that's still hesitating.

We're in the What a Family! series at Momentum, and this sermon invites you to step back. Our society has entered a unique season: never before have so many people delayed or refused marriage. This trend touches the Church too. So before you let the culture decide for you, the preacher invites you to open the Bible and ask yourself three questions: do you understand the difficulty of marriage, do you understand the purpose of singleness, and do you know what makes a good spouse?

Sermon Outline

1. Do You Understand the Difficulty of Marriage? (Matthew 19)

• The Pharisees set a trap for Jesus about divorce. Jesus refuses to enter their debate and goes back to the beginning: "For this cause a man will leave his father and mother, and will join to his wife; and the two will become one flesh" (Matthew 19:4-6). For Jesus, Scripture is the foundation for settling ethical questions about relationships.
• God's design (one man, one woman, forever) was not erased by the fall. Monogamy remains the standard, the ideal for humanity.
• Marriage is not primarily a civil contract, it's a spiritual covenant. God himself joins the two together, which is why divorce is so serious. Jesus allows only one exception: unfaithfulness, because it breaks the physical and spiritual union of the couple.
• The disciples are shocked: "If this is the case of the man with his wife, it is not expedient to marry" (Matthew 19:10). Maybe that's a bit how you feel too. Marriage is hard, and Jesus doesn't hide it. He states plainly why: "Because of the hardness of your hearts" (Matthew 19:8).
• The good news of the Gospel is that God is able to take two hard-hearted sinners and turn them into a couple that truly loves each other. Biblical marriage requires a transformation of the heart, and only God's Spirit can bring that about.

2. Do You Understand the Purpose of Singleness? (1 Corinthians 7)

• Facing the fear of marriage, Jesus puts singleness on the table as an option (Matthew 19:11-12). He speaks of those who made themselves eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heaven's sake: those who gave up marriage to devote more time to God, to ministry, to other people's spiritual growth.
• In the Old Testament and in ancient culture, staying single wasn't desirable. It was a cause for grief. Choosing singleness, according to Jesus, was an intentional sacrifice with an eternal purpose.
• Paul picks up this thread in 1 Corinthians 7. He first reminds us that having sexual relations is not sinful in itself and that marriage is good. Then he values singleness for the sake of the Gospel: he himself, single, found it very useful for his ministry.
• His argument fits in one sentence: "He who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but he who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife" (1 Corinthians 7:32-33). The married person isn't less spiritual, but they're more divided. The single person, if they choose it, can live more freely to serve God.
• The preacher then asks a pointed question: are the single people in our churches single for the sake of the Gospel, or because they've adopted our society's view of singleness, more freedom for themselves, for their hobbies, for their work, for staying unattached? Christian freedom is the freedom to give yourself, not to keep yourself.

3. Do You Know What Makes a Good Spouse? (Proverbs 31)

• Proverbs 31 is the only passage in the Bible that speaks directly about choosing a spouse. It's a mother, the mother of King Lemuel, giving advice to her son. What God inspires through her applies to every man and every woman.
• To men, the king's mother points out three essential qualities. First, sexual self-control (Proverbs 31:3): a man who doesn't control himself before marriage has much less chance of staying faithful afterward. Today, pornography is a plague that steals men's strength and distorts how they see women.
• Next, freedom from vice and addiction (Proverbs 31:4-5): alcohol, drugs, video games, streaming, gambling, social media, anything used to escape pain instead of carrying it to God. A father held captive by his escapes cannot lead a family well.
• Finally, a man who is proactive in pursuing justice for others (Proverbs 31:8-9). He doesn't organize his household around his own interests, but around the good of the vulnerable. Ladies, watch what a man does with his free time and his money before you say yes.
• To women, the king's mother paints a picture of the woman of noble character (Proverbs 31:10-31). What's valued isn't beauty but character: faithful to her husband, hardworking and joyful in her work, wise in business, devoted to her household, reaching out to the poor, clothed with strength and dignity. "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman who fears Yahweh, she shall be praised" (Proverbs 31:30). Men, what does your list of criteria look like? Does it resemble this one?

Key Takeaways

• Marriage is difficult because our hearts are hardened. Living it out according to God's design requires a transformation that only the Spirit can bring about.
• Divorce is not the normal solution to a trying marriage. Jesus allows it only in the case of unfaithfulness, because God is able to restore two hearts.
• Singleness is not a plan B or a neutral choice. Chosen for the Gospel, it's a precious consecration. Chosen to protect yourself, it becomes a trap.
• To choose a spouse, look first at character: self-control, freedom from addiction, and pursuit of justice for a man; faithfulness, hard work, wisdom, and the fear of God for a woman.
• One criterion is non-negotiable: that the person be in the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:39). Everything else matters, but a marriage without Christ is missing its foundation.

Personal Application

1. When you think about marriage, what's your first reaction: desire, fear, indifference? What does God want to heal in how you see it?
2. If you're married, where is your heart growing hard toward your spouse? Where do you need the Gospel to reshape you this week?
3. If you're single, is your view of singleness Paul's (free to serve) or our society's (free for yourself)? How do you want to concretely serve the Kingdom with your available time?
4. What criteria do you weigh when you consider a relationship? Do you look first at character and faith, or first at appearance and status?
5. Are you willing to trust God with your future in this area, and to receive the promise of Isaiah 56: that your place in his house is worth more than any other reward?

Verses Cited

• Matthew 19:1-12 (WEB)
• 1 Corinthians 7:25-40 (WEB)
• Proverbs 31 (WEB)
• Proverbs 22:6 (WEB)
• Ephesians 6:1-4 (WEB)
• Isaiah 56:3-5 (WEB)
• Deuteronomy 24:1-4 (WEB)

Frequently Asked Questions

Is staying single an acceptable choice for a Christian?

Yes. Jesus himself speaks in Matthew 19:12 of those who have made themselves eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heaven's sake, and Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 encourages believers to value singleness as a way to be more free to serve the Lord without division. The real question isn't marriage versus singleness, but: what is God calling you to, and does your life serve the Gospel? God even promises in Isaiah 56 that those who are single and devoted to him will receive an everlasting name in his house, greater than any human offspring.

What criteria does the Bible highlight for choosing a spouse?

Proverbs 31 puts character far ahead of appearance. For a man: sexual self-control, freedom from addictions that steal clarity of mind, and an active commitment to justice for the vulnerable. For a woman: faithfulness and trustworthiness in the relationship, joyful and wise work, and the fear of the Lord. Paul adds a non-negotiable criterion in 1 Corinthians 7:39: that your spouse be in the Lord. This isn't a cultural preference, it's the very foundation of Christian marriage.

What does Jesus say about divorce in Matthew 19?

Jesus points the Pharisees back to God's design from the beginning: a man and a woman, joined forever, one flesh (Matthew 19:4-6). He allows divorce only in the case of unfaithfulness, because the physical and spiritual union is then broken by the offending partner. Moses, in Deuteronomy 24, permitted divorce because of the hardness of men's hearts, to limit the harm to women and children, but that was not God's design. The true remedy, Jesus says, is the transformation of the heart by the Spirit.