Colossians 3: Forgiving Even When They Don't Deserve It

Introduction

"He doesn't deserve it." "She doesn't deserve it." "I will never forgive you." Alfonso Chiazza starts from these sentences we say when we have been hurt. His message is part of the "Christ My Life" series at Église Nouvel Impact Liège, and he puts the question simply: if Christ is my life, I should be able to forgive.

The base text is Colossians 3:13: "bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, if any man has a complaint against any; even as Christ forgave you, so you also do." The preacher admits it: between theory and practice there is sometimes a gap, and for some people a chasm. He wants to build bridges, because that is what the Gospel is: a bridge between the creature and his God, between sin and salvation.

As the message unfolds, he separates forgiveness from excusing, from naivety, from reconciliation and from trust. Then he shows what forgiveness changes in prayer and in faith.

Outline of the Message

1. Put the Word into practice, even when the other person doesn't deserve it

James 1:22: "But be doers of the word, and not only hearers, deceiving your own selves." James is the one who doesn't beat around the bush: here is an imperative, a spiritual exhortation and a call to make the Word concrete.
God's Word is not just letters on paper. It comes from the heart and the mouth of God, and God created us so that we could put into practice what he says.
Think of a prescription: you go to the doctor, and he prescribes a medicine. If you faithfully reread the prescription every morning but never go and get the medicine, your health will not change.
If you read the Word without practicing it, you will keep saying "he doesn't deserve it." If you decide to put it into practice, the way you think, your smile and your gaze will change, because God's grace comes to your rescue.
Why is it so hard? Often it is hard to forgive precisely because the other person doesn't deserve it. Yet before God, no one can raise a hand and say, "I deserve forgiveness."
When someone treats us wonderfully well, we don't need grace to forgive them. But some people have "the art of treating others wonderfully badly," with all their heart and all their strength. At that moment, the words of Colossians 3:13 become blurry.
The devil takes advantage of it, our raw sensitivity does too, and we explode. Human explosions cause damage: homes are broken, relationships shatter, people leave churches.
"You can't understand what was done to me." The preacher answers: have you told your story to Jesus? He is the author of "forgive each other." Go to him, settle the matter with him, get angry in front of him if you need to.
Peter asks Jesus whether he must forgive up to seven times (Matthew 18:21-22). Jesus makes him understand that forgiveness is not a matter of bookkeeping but a matter of the heart. If your heart is bound to his, you will find joy in forgiving again and again. In relationship with the author of forgiveness, the fuel never runs out.

2. Forgiving is not minimizing, excusing, or putting yourself back in danger

"What hurts, hurts." God never taught us that forgiving means minimizing what was done to us. Forgiveness does not require me to deny my pain.
The preacher mentions his grandson, who said after every mistake, "It's no big deal." As if he had built himself a shield so as not to be sad. Clenching your teeth and telling yourself "it's nothing": never.
Forgiving is not excusing the other person's behavior. Confronting it, yes; excusing it, no. The Christian life is not "a group of masochists": you don't need to be mistreated to become holier.
Forgiveness does not rule out intelligence or discernment. A person who is a victim of violence can forgive, and can also leave the relationship, protect their children, seek help, turn to the justice system and set boundaries. "Don't be more Christian than God asks you to be."
He tells of a sister in tears who watched other women walk past her door on their way to her husband. He told her, "Stop counting, leave." A pastor gathers people together when the conditions are right; when they are not, you leave.
Proverbs 22:3: "A prudent man sees danger and hides himself, but the simple pass on, and suffer for it." If someone pushed him into the water when he can't swim, he wouldn't discuss the quality of the life buoy. Get out of danger as fast as you can: "Be an intelligent Christian."

3. Forgiveness, reconciliation and trust

Forgiveness is a decision I make. I can pray, "Lord, help me to put it into practice," but God will not make the decision in my place: he leaves us free.
Reconciliation takes at least two people. On my own, I cannot be reconciled: the other person has to take a clear step.
Trust is rebuilt with time, "a lot of time." Forgiveness asked for and reconciliation hoped for do not immediately erase every consequence of the harm done.
The example of the 1,000 euros: someone borrows the money, promises to pay it back on Friday, makes you wait two weeks, finally pays it back, then comes back three days later to ask for the same amount. The preacher refuses: "My sanctification is still under construction in the Lord Jesus' workshop." He had the money, but not yet the trust. He does not say he will never be able to trust that person again.
Proverbs 14:15: "The simple believes everything, but the prudent carefully considers his steps." Forgive, be reconciled if you can, but when it comes to trust, take your time.
"Being a Christian does not mean being naive." The preacher confides that he learned this the hard way: he deprived his wife and children of his presence for people who were not worth it, because he had been trained to believe that a pastor must always say yes. Until the day he opened his eyes to the Word of God.

4. Forgiveness, a decision and also a journey

A woman abandoned by her husband, alone with two young children, comes to cry at her pastor's: "I have forgiven him at least a million times, but I still hurt." Every date, every place, every phone call that brings the memory back makes her think she never forgave, and she starts over.
The pastor explains to her: "You did forgive him, and it is normal that some things come back." Don't blame yourself, don't start forgiving all over again: look to God's grace and to the time that comforts.
Forgiving does not mean the pain disappears immediately and forever. With a deep wound, you disinfect it, but the next day the finger has not yet grown back its skin. If a name or a situation still stings, it is not because you haven't forgiven: the wound needs time to heal.

5. The trap of revenge

The preacher says he has met more people who wanted revenge than people who wanted to forgive. "He doesn't deserve it": he grants "24 hours and 30 seconds" to say it. After that, be careful: you no longer just want the other person to go unforgiven, you want something worse to happen to them.
Revenge is like a trial you replay in your head. Afterward you find what you should have said, it is 2:17 in the morning, and you win the trial, but alone. Meanwhile, the other person is sleeping.
"You have tenants in your head and you pay the rent all by yourself."
Ephesians 4:31-32 is God's answer: let all bitterness, animosity, anger, clamor and slander be removed, and be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other as God forgave you in Christ. When we forgive, we set ourselves free.

6. Forgiveness transforms prayer and faith

Matthew 6:14-15: if you forgive people their offenses, your heavenly Father will forgive you too; but if you do not forgive, your Father will not forgive you either.
We pray for the door that must open, for our character, for our holiness, but we do not see the person we hate. God is a God of order and priority: the priority is the person.
When you pray, ask yourself whether you have locked someone "in a closet." Go and get them, and forgive them in your heart. Forgiveness releases God's action in us and through us, and we move from heaviness to freedom, from unanswered prayer to answered prayer.
Forgiveness also transforms faith. "The righteous will live by faith" (Hebrews 10:38): faith lets us move forward and hold on to God's promises. Mark 11:24-26: Jesus first speaks of believing that you have received what you ask for, then immediately adds: when you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive. Sometimes the problem is not a lack of faith but a lack of forgiveness.
"Resentment paralyzes you, forgiveness sets you free."

7. When the other person doesn't ask for forgiveness

First, he does not wait for the other person to ask for forgiveness before choosing to forgive. If someone wrongs him in the early afternoon, it is forgiven before the evening news. That time is for praying, thinking, looking at the Word and above all talking with his wife, "his better half."
Second, he cannot force someone to ask for forgiveness. The other person may be convinced that the preacher is the one who is wrong.
Third, having forgiven does not mean accepting the other person's way of acting. A Christian is not naive.
Fourth, I forgive but I do not excuse the wrong. God forgave you, he did not excuse your sin: Jesus paid the price, and he still bears the scars.
"I do not forgive because the other person deserves it. I forgive because I received God's grace without deserving it." And he refuses to let what the other person did to him turn into bitterness in his heart, because bitterness dries up, breaks and paralyzes.
The model of forgiveness is Jesus on the cross: "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34).

Key Takeaways

No one deserves God's forgiveness. You forgive because Christ forgave you when you did not deserve it.
Forgiving is not minimizing the wrong, excusing it, or staying exposed to danger. Forgiveness does not rule out intelligence or discernment.
Forgiveness is your decision, reconciliation takes two people, and trust is rebuilt with a lot of time.
Pain that comes back does not mean you haven't forgiven: the wound needs time to heal.
Refusing to forgive paralyzes your prayer and your faith; forgiveness releases God's action in your life.

Personal Application

Is there someone about whom you say today, "He doesn't deserve it" or "She doesn't deserve it"?
Have you told Jesus about this wound, plainly, before deciding to forgive?
Are you confusing forgiveness, reconciliation and trust to the point of putting yourself back in danger or forbidding yourself to forgive?
Is someone locked "in a closet" of your heart as you pray?
What trial are you still replaying in your head, and what "rent" are you paying alone?

Verses Cited

Frequently Asked Questions

Does forgiving mean that what was done to me wasn't serious?

No. For Alfonso Chiazza, what hurts, hurts, and God never taught us to minimize the harm we suffered. Forgiving is not excusing the other person's behavior or denying your pain. God forgave you without excusing your sin: Jesus paid the price for it.

What is the difference between forgiveness, reconciliation and trust?

Forgiveness is a decision you make yourself. Reconciliation takes two people: the other person must also take a step. Trust is rebuilt with a lot of time. Forgiving does not immediately erase every consequence of the harm done.

Do I have to wait for the other person to ask for forgiveness before forgiving them?

No. The preacher explains that he does not wait for the other person to ask for forgiveness before choosing to forgive, and that he cannot force them to admit their wrong. He forgives not because the other person deserves it, but because he received God's grace without deserving it.