Ephesians 5: Marriage as a Picture of Christ and the Church

Introduction

"It's a passage that can be a bit surprising and even shocking at times." Tonio, who preaches at Calvary Chapel Nice, doesn't dodge the difficulty. The church has been studying Paul's letter to the Ephesians for several months, and now it has reached Ephesians 5:22-33: "Wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, as to the Lord," followed by "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly."

The preacher warns the singles right away: no thinking "I'll step out now and come back later." This text prepares those who want to marry one day, it sheds light on the relationship between Jesus and the church, and it invites everyone to pray for the couples in the church.

As the passage unfolds, Tonio shows that Christian marriage is not a marriage like any other. It rests on a model: Christ's love for his church.

Outline of the message

1. A text that runs against the spirit of its age

• We live in a society that grew out of a Judeo-Christian culture, "whether we like it or not." Our ideal of marriage comes in large part from the Christian faith and from passages like this one.
• The commentator William Barclay said that no one reading this passage in the 20th century can fully grasp its greatness, because in Paul's day things were very different.
• The Jews held marriage in high regard but gave little consideration to women: a man could divorce his wife for almost any reason (Matthew 19). Among the Greeks, married women lived secluded at home. Among the Romans, divorce and remarriage were very common.
• Against that backdrop, Paul calls men and women to a new purity and a new communion in married life. Barclay added that it is impossible to overstate the purifying effect of Christianity on the home life of the ancient world.

2. Marriage, a gift from God from before the fall

• God established marriage before sin entered, right from Genesis. Jesus reaffirms it: "Haven't you read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female," (Matthew 19:4-5), quoting Genesis 2:24.
• Marriage is a blessing God intended for humanity. But it is not the most important thing: we must not turn marriage or family into an idol, something more important than our faithfulness to God.
• What God creates and values, Satan targets "in a deliberate way to attack and corrupt it." So there will be difficulties in marriage, because there is an enemy who doesn't like healthy marriages according to God's will.
• The passage follows the call to be continually filled with the Holy Spirit and to submit to one another in the fear of Christ (Ephesians 5:18-21). If we live the way God wants, these things become more natural.

3. "Wives, submit": what submission is not

• Paul says it also in Colossians 3:18, and Peter speaks of it in 1 Peter 3. In some manuscripts, the verb "submit" doesn't even appear in verse 22: the sentence continues verse 21.
• This is about authority, position and roles, as in a family, a business, an army or the church. The one who is subordinate is not less important, less gifted or less capable: it is the organization that matters.
• Submission is not inferiority. Nor is it silence: a wise leader wants to hear those under his authority. It is not passivity either: "Jesus was submitted to his Father, but he was active."
• The text speaks of the wife toward her husband, and no one else. In politics, business or education, women have no obligation to submit to men. "The Bible nowhere says that a woman is inferior to a man in worth or ability."
• The pastor who officiated at the preacher's wedding used to say that there is a mission in Christian marriage: to obey God and glorify him. For the wife, it is less "I place myself beneath my husband" than "I obey the mission God has given me for my marriage."

4. The reasons and the limits of submission

• Paul gives three reasons. First, "as to the Lord": the wife does it because it pleases the Lord. Second, the order of creation: the man was created first, and the woman was given to him as a helper. "God didn't make a mistake by creating man first. He didn't flip a coin." Third, the model of Christ and the church.
• This order makes the man responsible. After the fall, it is Adam whom God calls to account: he did not exercise his authority as he should have.
• Martyn Lloyd-Jones summed it up: the initiative and the leadership ultimately belong to the husband, but the action must be coordinated. "The wife is not inferior to her husband, she is different."
• "In everything" does not mean without limits. As with government, we don't obey when it would mean denying our faith or sinning. If a husband asks his wife to cheat on taxes, she can say no. In cases of adultery, violence or abuse, she has no obligation to submit: for the preacher, these are acceptable grounds for separation and divorce.
• The opposite trap exists too: respecting authority only when we agree. "The real test of respect for authority is when we disagree." It is not a question of personality, or of whether the husband is gifted or wise: it is about honoring Jesus.
• Advice to singles: "Can you see yourself respecting this person?" If that's hard, there will be trouble.

5. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church"

• The wife is to respect her husband, "but the man must never be a tyrant." There are obligations on both sides, and what is asked of husbands is just as hard.
• This love is active. Going to work, coming home and leaving the wife to take care of everything: the preacher calls that passivity a sin. God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). Authority is always exercised in love and for the good of the other: "a reign of love, a leadership of love."
• Greek has four words for love: eros, storge, philia and agape. Here it is agape, an unconditional love that denies itself for the good of the other. "I decide to love my wife. God asks me to, and I decide to love her." It is not merely "be nice to your wives."
• The model is Philippians 2:5-8: Jesus emptied himself and humbled himself to the point of death on a cross. Pastor Brian Bell said that Christ loved us before we were attractive. The husband is called to give himself, to serve, and to put his wife's interest before his own.
• The husband is accountable to God: "I will ask you to account for how your wife is doing." He must talk about the things of God with her and with the children, and not leave Bible reading and prayer to his wife alone.
• Authority according to the world says: "I'm your boss, you do everything I want." Authority according to God is a love that sacrifices itself and cares about the spiritual health of the other, as Christ cleanses his church by the washing of water with the word.

6. One body

• "For no one ever hated his own flesh" (verse 29). The preacher sees almost a smile from Paul here: if you don't love your wife the way God asks, you will suffer for it yourselves. You can't cut your body in two and hope everything will be fine.
• A man has to relearn to think of his life as fully including his wife. To future husbands, Tonio advises learning to answer, when someone proposes an outing: "I need to check with my wife." "I may feel like going to play soccer, but I have to check and ask my wife first."
• That is also why he advises Christians not to marry someone who doesn't believe in God: if the leg wants to go one way and the head the other, "it's a cacophony." Unity in the things of God is a gift for the couple and for the children.
• Paul quotes Genesis 2:24: a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife. The two separate from their previous relationships and something new begins.

7. A great mystery and a witness to the world

• "This mystery is great, but I speak concerning Christ and the assembly" (verse 32). Paul marvels at the union between Christ and his body, a mystery that was not fully revealed in the Old Testament. The church is even "the fullness of him who fills all in all" (Ephesians 1:23).
• Verse 33 sums up the heart of marriage: the husband loves his wife as himself, and the wife respects her husband. The word suggests an almost reverent respect. Respecting without loving, or loving without respecting, leads to problems.
• We often focus on the other person's role: "I hope my husband is listening well this morning." One pastor said: "Stop asking God to fix your spouse and ask him to fix you." Paul doesn't tell husbands to make sure their wives submit: he speaks to each person about his or her own part.
• None of this is possible without being filled with the Holy Spirit, and the rest of the letter speaks of the armor of God and spiritual warfare. A marriage lived God's way becomes a witness to the world and gives him glory.
• To those who are not married, Tonio offers a prayer: "God, help me from today to be ready."

Key takeaways

• Marriage is a gift from God from before the fall. It is precious, but it must not become an idol.
• The wife's submission concerns her husband alone. It is neither inferiority, nor silence, nor passivity, and it stops where sin begins.
• The husband is called to an agape love, active and sacrificial, in the image of Christ who gave himself for the church. He will have to give an account to God for how his wife is doing.
• Husband and wife form one body: you can no longer think of your life in an individual way.
• Each person is called to look at his or her own part, with the help of the Holy Spirit, rather than asking God to fix a spouse.

Personal application

1. When you read this passage, do you first think about what your spouse should change, or about what God is asking of you?
2. If you are a wife: do you respect your husband's authority only when you agree with him?
3. If you are a husband: in what area of your home are you passive? Do you know how your wife is doing spiritually?
4. In your decisions this week, have you gotten into the habit of saying "I need to check with my wife" or "I need to check with my husband"?
5. If you are not married, what can God already be working on in you so that you are ready when the day comes?

Verses cited

• Ephesians 5:22-33
• Ephesians 5:18-21
• Colossians 3:18
• 1 Peter 3:1-6
• Matthew 19:3-6
• Genesis 2:24
• 2 Timothy 1:7
• Philippians 2:5-8
• Ephesians 1:22-23

Frequently asked questions

What does "wives, be in subjection to your own husbands" mean in Ephesians 5:22?

For Tonio, it is a matter of authority and position within the couple, not of worth. Submission is neither inferiority, nor silence, nor passivity. It concerns only the husband, not men in general, and it has limits: a wife has no obligation to obey if her husband asks her to commit a sin.

How should a husband love his wife according to Ephesians 5:25?

As Christ loved the church: with an agape love, which is a choice of the heart and the will, active and sacrificial. The husband puts his wife's interest before his own, cares about her spiritual health, and knows he will have to give an account to God for how his wife is doing.

Why does Paul say this mystery is great (Ephesians 5:32)?

Because marriage reflects the union between Christ and his church, a union that was not fully revealed in the Old Testament. Paul marvels at this reality: the church is the body of Christ and his fullness (Ephesians 1:23), and Christian marriage is called to be an image of it before the world.