Ephesians 5: The Responsibilities That Keep Your Marriage Alive

Introduction

"Marriage is like a plant: you have to tend it, take care of it, always keep an eye on it and help it grow." That image opens this second episode of the program Investigando le Scritture, broadcast by Parola Della Grazia Bologna, on the theme of how to keep your marriage alive.

In the previous episode, guests shared their testimonies. The preacher also recalled why God gave Adam a wife: not only to end his loneliness, but to complete the image of God. The man reflects his justice and authority, the woman his grace and tenderness. Together they form the complete image: "Let us make man in our image... male and female he created them."

This time, the message asks a simple question: who carries what in a couple? Many couples do not move forward because one of the two refuses certain responsibilities and pushes them onto the other. Starting from Ephesians 5, the preacher goes into detail on the husband's part, then turns to the wife's.

Outline of the message

1. A covenant to keep alive

Many people see marriage as a contract of convenience, perhaps a temporary one: "who knows if it will last." In God's thinking, it is a covenant, a lifelong commitment in which each gives themselves entirely to the other.
In ancient times, blood covenants could not be undone. Sometimes the blood of both parties was mixed, because life is in the blood: "I give you my life, you give me yours." That is what happens in marriage.
Malachi 2:14 says it: the Lord is witness between you and the wife of your youth, "the wife of your covenant."
Why have so many marriages broken down over the last thirty years, even among believers? When one of the two drifts away from God and puts something else on the throne of their heart, it is a domino effect. The couple, which was meant to be in second place after God, slips to fifth, sixth, seventh.
"A man will leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife." This does not mean no longer respecting your parents or in-laws. A new family is born, with a new authority. You can ask for advice, but it is not up to others to decide in the couple's place.

2. Loving with a love that decides, and guiding the home

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly, and gave himself up for it" (Ephesians 5:25). The verb points to agape: unconditional love, the love of the will, which decides to love even in the hardest conditions.
The husband's leadership, spiritual care and authority rest on this love. Authority as God sees it is loving authority.
First role: passing God's instructions on to the family. Some neglect this and leave it to their wife, who can also do it, the preacher points out, but God has entrusted the leadership of the family to the husband. To guide, the husband must first receive these instructions through a life of prayer and meditation.
Ecclesiastes 4:12: a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. But God does not become that third strand "automatically" because you married in church, with the pastor and a few verses. The couple has to want God in the middle of it.
"I have seen many fail," the preacher confides, because that third strand was removed little by little, without anyone noticing. At the first outside enemy, the weakened relationship collapsed.

3. Taking the initiative and daring to take steps of faith

The man is called to take the initiative: to court his fiancée, and also in a crisis, after an argument, to be the first to repair things and make peace.
The preacher does not believe in living together "to get to know each other better." Engagement serves that purpose: spending time together without leaving your family of origin, ideally for a year or two. He himself stayed engaged for six years, but he thinks about two years is the right length.
Many men are afraid: of not making it, of not carrying the weight, of not knowing how to be a father. "Everything that is fear has to do with a lack of faith." Jesus would say to them: "You of little faith, why did you doubt?"
People often wait for a permanent contract for both of them, a house, a loan, a good car. Engaged couples can pray, set a date and believe that God will supply all their needs according to his riches in glory.
"Nobody is ever ready, you learn along the way." When his first daughter was born, he did not feel prepared: she is the one who taught him to become a father, and it was easier with the second.

4. An authority that serves and owns its decisions

Authority is not authoritarianism. Jesus says that the great ones of this world lord it over the nations: "It shall not be so among you... Whoever of you wants to become first among you shall be bondservant of all" (Mark 10:43-44).
The husband takes on the heaviest responsibilities. His authority is legitimate, never imposed by force: gentle, patient, intelligent, and above all loving, with no emotional, psychological or spiritual pressure.
Loving your wife means making her feel unique, all her life, even into old age. No comparisons: "Look how beautiful, slim and intelligent that one is, and you are not." "Husband of one wife" means, according to the preacher, a man whose heart belongs to one woman only, including in his thoughts, as Jesus taught.
Some husbands pass "the hot potato" to their wife, then blame her if the choice goes badly. It is the husband's job to carry the final decision and take responsibility for it.
Big decisions (buying a house, moving to another country, having children) are talked about beforehand. Hiding during the engagement that you do not want children, for fear of losing the other person, can lead to a breakup. Everything must be said before the wedding. Husband and wife are already a family: the children will leave one day, and the two of you will remain, "until death do us part."

5. Father and priest of the home

Teaching and disciplining the children also falls to the father. The mother teaches, especially when they are small, and she plays the role of mediator between the children and their father.
"If you don't stop, I'll tell your father": everything falls back into order, a sign that God placed authority in the man. In adolescence, boys and girls need the father figure. Emotions are unstable, and the father gives firm reference points around which they will make their choices for life.
Discipline is never violent. In the past, some fathers left marks on the skin and on the soul. Today, you can be firm: limit the phone, forbid an outing, correct with firmness. A child who sees his father disappointed tries to come back within the limits.
"You cannot imagine the damage an absent father can do," absent physically, or present without filling his role. By contrast, a father led by the Holy Spirit, in harmony of authority, love and justice, lifts his family up like an airplane, because someone is at the controls.
The husband must also look after his wife's spiritual growth: be her friend, but also a mentor and a priest in the home. In most churches, he reminds us, more than 70 to 75% of the members are women.
Women can prophesy, teach and evangelize, like Priscilla with her husband Aquila. But the man holds the wheel, with a wife at his side who can wake him when he dozes off or point out a wrong road.

6. Providing, valuing her and keeping the peace

Providing for material needs is fundamental for a wife. Not luxury or diamonds, but the assurance that the essentials never run out. A husband who finds work again, even work nobody wants, and always brings bread home becomes her anchor and her security.
By contrast, the one who quits his job after every reproach or every bad schedule, without talking to his wife about it, puts the couple in crisis. "Go to the ant, you sluggard"; "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might."
A full fridge is not enough. You have to praise her regularly: the preacher explains that the man is called to love first, and that the woman responds to the love she receives. If she is always the one chasing her husband, she wears herself out: "I'm the one who loves you, but you don't love me, you don't think of me." It is up to the husband to take the initiative with compliments.
Physical affection and quality time: a gentle look, a hug, a caress, a kiss, he says with a smile, take her out.
Keeping a good atmosphere: kind humor, not foolish or hurtful humor, that makes her laugh when she is overwhelmed.
Love rules out shouting "Be quiet, I'm the one in charge." Jesus never shouted at his disciples; the only time he got angry was in the temple, against the sellers and the money changers. He corrected his disciples gently, sometimes severely, even telling Peter "Get behind me, Satan," but never with violence. The husband is called to calm his wife, not to irritate her further. Love also rules out harsh words, lying, manipulation, revenge and sulking for a whole day.
Love listens, even to subjects that do not interest the husband. It is patient, free of outbursts, courteous, and it respects the wife, especially in public.
Many men do not want to marry because of these responsibilities. But if you sow joy in the life of your wife and children, the preacher assures us, it will come back to you sooner or later, "even with interest."

7. Submission, a chosen "under-mission"

Many sisters do not like the word, and some brothers misuse it: "You must be submissive to me, placed beneath me." That is not what the text says.
Ephesians 5:21-22 begins: "subjecting yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord."
The preacher breaks the word down: under and mission. The wife lives inside the vision and calling that God gave her husband, walking at his side, supporting him, advising him.
Submission is not mandatory, it is a choice. The wife submits because she recognizes in her husband a righteous head of the family, who loves, carries the burdens, and is worthy of trust and honor. Once imposed, it becomes obedience, and authority becomes authoritarianism.
It has a limit: the wife is submitted to her husband as long as he is submitted to God and truly does what comes from God, "and not what comes out of his own head while saying it is God." Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.
"Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one tears it down with her own hands" (Proverbs 14:1).
The rest of the series will address communication in the couple, conflict resolution, emotional and sexual intimacy, and becoming a father and a mother.

Key takeaways

Marriage is a covenant for life, not a contract: it is kept alive like a plant you tend.
God is not automatically the third strand of the couple: you have to want him and keep him in first place.
The husband's authority is that of a servant: it loves, takes the initiative, owns its decisions and never imposes itself by force.
The husband provides, teaches his children, cares for his wife's spiritual life and makes her feel unique.
The wife's submission is a free choice, which assumes a husband who is himself submitted to God.

Personal application

What holds first place in your heart today, and what place is left for your marriage?
In your home, is God a third strand that you want and cultivate, or a presence you assume is a given?
If you are married, what decision or what step toward reconciliation are you waiting for the other person to take in your place?
When did you last spend quality time, without screens or work, with your spouse?
Is there an important subject (children, money, where to live) that you have never laid out clearly before your spouse or fiancé(e)?

Verses cited

Frequently asked questions

Why is marriage a covenant and not a contract?

Many people see marriage as a contract of convenience, perhaps a temporary one. The preacher reminds us that God sees it as a covenant, a lifelong commitment in which each gives themselves entirely to the other. Malachi 2:14 calls the wife "the wife of your covenant," and the Lord is witness between the two.

What does the cord of three strands mean in marriage?

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says that a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. In a couple, the third strand is God. The preacher stresses that this is not automatic: marrying in church is not enough. The couple has to want God in the middle of it, otherwise this strand is removed little by little without anyone noticing.

Is the wife's submission an obligation?

No, according to the preacher. Ephesians 5:21 begins with submission to one another. The wife's submission is a choice: she recognizes in her husband a head of the family worthy of trust. The husband cannot impose it, and it has a limit: the husband must himself be submitted to God.