Marriage, Singleness, and the Church: Five Honest Questions

Introduction

After three Sundays spent in 1 Corinthians 7, Momentum's pastoral team wanted to take some time to answer the many questions sent in that week by the church. It was impossible to address them all, but Jason, Sophie, and the other speakers selected the ones that come up most often when talking about marriage, singleness, and church life. Here are five honest questions, and the answers they gave, with the Bible open, no sugarcoating.

Message Outline

1. "It is better to marry than to burn with passion" : how do you know if you're burning?

• Question raised from 1 Corinthians 7:9: at what point do my desires become "too great"?
• Jason responds that the question itself betrays a misunderstanding: Paul is not giving a rule saying "if you can't control yourself, you must marry", he's simply pointing out that you are free to marry if you want to.
• Two false assumptions to dismantle: marriage will not fix your lack of self-control (you will bring your problems into the marriage), and no one is condemned to being incapable of self-control.
• The right question isn't "am I burning with desire?" but "how do I learn to control the desires I have today, in obedience to God?"
• Addendum: self-control is part of the fruit of the Spirit. It is cultivated through prayer, the Word, and time spent with God's people.

2. Why is it so hard to meet someone : and should you switch churches over it?

• Is it harder today? Not necessarily: after World War II, there were far fewer men. What may be true is that we add a list of personal criteria on top of the biblical ones, which weighs down the search.
• The Bible asks only one thing if you want to marry: that it be "in the Lord", a brother or sister who loves God and whose primary aim is to please him. For everything else (age, looks, compatibility), you are free.
• In practice, we bring in a lot of the world's criteria: financial stability, status, love at first sight. Yet friendship and emotional intimacy grow as the marriage progresses.
• A trap to watch for: idolizing marriage, telling yourself "my future husband/wife will save me." No, it is the Lord who defines you. You are already fully yourself as a child of God.
• Switch churches over this? Really? If your priority is the kingdom of God, that reason doesn't hold up. And frankly, at Connexion there are plenty of quality single brothers and sisters, you just have to open your eyes.
• Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be given to you as well (Matthew 6:33). That applies to the search for a spouse too.

3. Does the man really have to make the first move?

• Sophie first addresses the brothers: don't be afraid of women. When a sister interests you for good reasons (she loves God, you find her beautiful), go talk to her.
• The key biblical principle: we treat each other first and foremost as brothers and sisters. In 1 Timothy 5, Paul tells Timothy to treat young women as sisters, with absolute purity.
• To the sisters: the Bible gives no command saying that men must necessarily take the initiative. You can pray first, then, if nothing moves after several months, go to a brother and simply tell him you'd like to get to know him better.
• A clear boundary for women: trying to physically seduce a brother to make him fall for you is not fitting for a sister in Christ.
• Jason adds: Ephesians 5 places on the man's shoulders the responsibility to care for his wife. It's okay if a single man doesn't yet know how to do that, it's learned. But a brother who approaches a sister seeking first to protect and care for her, she remembers that, and it becomes a source of comfort down the road.

4. Living with the desire for marriage without obsession : and good reasons to stay single

• It's legitimate, when you suffer from being single, to weep before the Lord. Don't suppress that sorrow: bring it to God, weep with brothers and sisters.
• But the advantage of singleness, according to 1 Corinthians 7, is precisely that you are not divided. If your search for a husband or wife becomes an obsession, you become divided again, between the Lord and the world.
• Honest confession from one of the speakers: "For a long time I read this passage thinking: not only am I not married, but on top of it I have to live devoted to the Lord. I had to repent of that. Because is there really anything better in this world than living devoted to the Lord?"
• When it starts becoming an obsession, make the Lord your obsession. All our problems come from seeking something other than God.
• Psalm 37:4: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." The Samaritan woman in John 4 had been married five times without being satisfied, Jesus offers her water that alone truly quenches thirst.

5. How can we encourage biblical masculinity and femininity in the church?

• Caution: we can load these words with things that go beyond what the Bible says. "Toxic masculinity" versus "stay-at-home wife who doesn't work", these are extremes that don't come from Scripture.
• What the Bible says to all Christians (Philippians 2): imitate Christ, who did not cling to his greatness but humbled himself to serve. That applies to men and women alike.
• In marriage, the man has a leading role (Ephesians 5). Brothers, even while single, train yourselves now to be men like Jesus: intentional, servant-hearted, not waiting to be asked before blessing others.
• Sisters, when you see a brother serving joyfully, encourage him. When a brother has qualities suited to a particular service, tell him, just as you would encourage any brother in Christ.
• Jason closes with an observation: biblically, there isn't much difference in what God calls men and women to be. There is, however, a big difference in how our culture raises boys and girls. Sisters in Christ often grow faster than brothers. Brothers, look at your sisters, observe their devotion to the Lord, and imitate them.

Key Takeaways

• The question to ask yourself isn't "am I burning with desire?" but "how do I learn to master the desires I have today, in obedience to God, in my situation?" Marriage is not a guarantee that will fix your self-control problem.
• The Bible asks only one thing for marriage: that it be "in the Lord." Every other criterion you add comes from you or from the world, and weighs down your search without coming from God.
• Brothers, don't be afraid to approach a sister: worst case, she kindly says no. Sisters, the Bible doesn't forbid you from taking the initiative either, but never in the world's way.
• Singleness is not a punishment: it's actually an opportunity not to be divided between the Lord and a spouse. If the desire for marriage becomes an obsession, you're becoming divided, make the Lord your obsession.
• Biblical "masculinity" and "femininity" mean, first and foremost, imitating Christ (Philippians 2). Brothers, look at your sisters and imitate their devotion. Sisters, encourage your brothers as brothers.

Personal Application

1. What criteria have I added to the one biblical requirement ("in the Lord") for a future spouse? How many truly come from God, and how many from the world or my personal preferences?
2. Am I expecting marriage to fix a problem of self-control, loneliness, or identity that God himself wants to address now, through his Word, his Presence, and his people?
3. If I am a single brother: when was the last time I took concrete initiative, serving, kindly approaching a sister, daring to take a step? What's really holding me back: fear, or an overly personal standard?
4. If I am a single sister: have I let the desire for marriage become an obsession that pulls me away from the Lord? What would it change for me this week to "make the Lord my obsession"?
5. Toward which brother or sister can I take a concrete step of encouragement this week, to affirm a gift I see, to say thank you for a service rendered, to invite them to take an initiative?

Verses Cited

• 1 Corinthians 7:8-9
• 1 Corinthians 6
• Galatians 5:22-23 (fruit of the Spirit)
• Matthew 6:33
• 1 Timothy 5:1-2
• Ephesians 5:22-33
• Psalm 37:4
• John 4:1-26 (the Samaritan woman)
• Philippians 2:1-11

Further reading

• Home Group Themes: 30 Ideas
• Welcoming New Participants in a Small Group
• How to Lead a Bible Discussion

Frequently Asked Questions

At what point do my sexual desires become "too great" as in 1 Corinthians 7:9?

The question itself rests on a misunderstanding. Paul doesn't set a threshold of desire beyond which you must absolutely marry, he's simply pointing out that you are free to do so if you wish. Marriage will not fix a lack of self-control: you'll bring your problems into your relationship. The real question, whatever your situation, is: how do I learn to master my desires today, in obedience to God? And self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, cultivated through prayer, the Word, and life with God's people.

Can I switch churches if I can't find a spouse there?

Given everything Paul writes in 1 Corinthians about the unity of the church and the priority of the kingdom of God, this reason doesn't hold up. If your priority is the kingdom, it's not a valid reason to leave. And very often, the difficulty isn't a lack of single people around you, it's that you need to open your eyes and drop the unbiblical criteria that are weighing down your search.

Does the man really have to make the first move?

The Bible gives no command saying the man must always take the initiative to approach a sister. What Paul says in 1 Timothy 5 is that we should treat each other first and foremost as brothers and sisters, with absolute purity. Brothers, don't be afraid to go talk to a sister who interests you. Sisters, you are free, after praying, to go to a brother and tell him you'd like to get to know him better, as long as you never do it the world's way, by trying to physically seduce him.