Ephesians 6: Honoring Your Parents and Raising Your Children

Introduction

"If the Christian faith did much for women, it did even more for children." Tonio quotes this line from the commentator William Barclay to open his message on Ephesians 6:1-4, in the series that Calvary Chapel Nice has been devoting for several months to Paul's letter to the Ephesians.

After the passage on husbands and wives, studied the Sunday before, Paul applies the same idea of submission and respect for authority to another relationship: that of children and their parents. For the preacher, this is where spiritual life can "truly shine and be seen": in everyday relationships, at home.

With the children in children's service that morning, Tonio speaks mainly to parents, and especially to fathers. As the father of two children himself, he says he feels "targeted" and "concerned" by this text.

Outline of the Message

1. The Wisdom of Eternity in Family Life

• Paul applies "God's wisdom, the wisdom of eternity" to our domestic moments. We might think that family life is "just ordinary life" and that spiritual life is something else. Paul says the opposite.
• This text was revolutionary for its time. Among the Romans, a father had the power of life and death over his children, even adult ones: he could sell them, put them to work, even discipline them to the point of killing them.
• William Barclay sums it up this way: "If we are ever asked what good Christianity has done in the world, we need only point to the change brought about in the status of women and children." To deny this is to deny history.
• Paul taught these things repeatedly. Colossians 3:20-21 echoes almost the same words: "Children, obey your parents in all things, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, don't provoke your children, so that they won't be discouraged."

2. Children, Obey Your Parents

• To obey is to listen, to place oneself under what one has heard and to put it into practice. This is also what God asks of adults: "But be doers of the word, and not only hearers, deceiving your own selves" (James 1:22-24).
• Parents have the responsibility to teach obedience to their children. By teaching them to obey us, we prepare them to obey God later, "even when they don't understand everything or even when they don't feel like it."
• "We don't need to teach children how to disobey. Generally, they manage that very well on their own." Obedience, on the other hand, has to be taught, and discipline aims to produce it.
• Elsewhere Paul uses the image of an army and that of a body. Tonio mentions the numb arm when you wake up: you want to make a gesture, and the arm doesn't move. A body works when its members respond.
• Until what age? For the preacher, obedience applies until emancipation, when the child no longer lives under his parents' roof and no longer depends on their resources. A man leaves his father and mother to start a new household (Genesis 2:24). Honor, however, remains. Until then, parents also provide a form of spiritual covering for their children (1 Corinthians 7:14).
• What limits? Obedience to parents must not conflict with the obedience owed to God. A child does not have to obey when asked to sin, in cases of abuse or physical violence, dangerous requests, or extreme situations linked to drugs or alcoholism.

3. Honor Your Father and Mother

• Paul gives two reasons. First, "this is right": it is the natural order of things as God the Creator intended it. Second, it is God's law: "Honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12, Deuteronomy 5:16).
• Honoring goes further than obeying. "You can obey your parents and still despise them." To honor is to love them, respect them, hold them in high esteem.
• A child who has become an adult may no longer owe obedience in the same way, but still owes honor and respect.
• What if our parents don't seem worthy of honor? We can ask God to show us aspects of their character that deserve to be honored. Discovering what is good in their lives can dispel a lot of frustration. In any case, they hold a unique position: no one else can ever fill that role.
• For those who have lost their parents or never had them around, we can honor their memory. God can also, through the Church, give other people who take up something of that role.
• Several commentators note that the Jews divided the ten commandments into two groups of five. Honoring your parents was seen as a duty toward God. Learning to obey our parents is learning to obey God.

4. A Promise to Be Understood as a Principle

• It is the first commandment accompanied by a promise: "that it may be well with you, and you may live long on the earth." Is it mathematical? We all know people who honored their parents impressively and yet lived shorter lives than we would have expected.
• These promises are understood as principles and general truths. A child who obeys reaps benefits for the rest of his days. A child who crosses the street without looking, even though he was forbidden to, puts himself in danger.
• Caring parents help their children avoid bad habits, bad friends and bad influences. An obedient child has a better chance of developing a healthy character.
• The promise is also fulfilled in a happy home where the child grows up in peace and, in a believing family, in the knowledge of the Gospel from a young age.

5. A Society That Makes Disobedience a Badge of Honor

• Tonio thinks it is good to talk about this in France, where insubordination and the rejection of authority are rooted in the national identity, marked by the Revolution. He makes clear that he is defending neither a return to the monarchy nor the idea that the Revolution was bad, but the idea that authority is essential for society.
• Just as lying damages the fabric of society, rejecting authority makes society impossible. A company where everyone does "whatever they feel like" does not last. We like having the police when we are in danger, and doctors when we are sick. Roads, drinking water and electricity exist because an authority organized them.
• "If we really want to reject all authority, we have to leave and live in complete self-sufficiency."
• The preacher recommends a book by Timothy Keller on the idols hidden in our hearts. Insubordination is one of them: "We live in a society where saying 'I disobey' is almost a badge of honor."
• The Bible lists rebellion against parents among the signs of a society in decline: "disobedient to parents" (Romans 1:30, 2 Timothy 3:2). Conversely, those who abuse their authority do immense harm, because they damage the very notion of authority.
• Understanding authority helps the child at school, later at work, in his family, and in his life as a disciple. "We sing 'Lord,' we sing 'Master.' Do we know how to obey?"

6. Fathers, Don't Provoke Your Children

• Some translations say "parents," but Paul addresses fathers, who are given the responsibility of leading the household. Too many parents give up this authority: they negotiate or "buy" good behavior, and sometimes it is the children who lead.
• The preacher also thinks of children deprived of parents and of mothers raising their children alone. The local church can be used by God to help them.
• A harsh father, too critical, lacking love and grace, torments his child instead of raising him. Christian parents should never be guilty of this.
• Beware of expectations that are too heavy: "Go and look at the soccer fields." So many fathers see their son as a "winning ticket," and the child ends up hating soccer. Tonio cites a European country that created a black card to expel overly aggressive parents from the sidelines.
• Don't mock your children, don't belittle them, don't neglect them. Absalom rebelled against his father David, who neglected him (2 Samuel 14 and 15).
• Be consistent: asking one thing one day and the opposite the next disorients the child. Trust them too: wanting to control everything amounts to saying you were not able to train them.
• Encourage: "You got 15. Why not 20?" Some parents react that way, others say "Well done!" Paul invites us to take into account children's emotions and sensitivity.
• A commentator, Smith, sees in this verse "a quivering note of personal emotion," as if Paul remembered a stern childhood, with "little tenderness and a great deal of severity."
• Hypocrisy pushes toward rebellion. "You don't do what you say": children are the first to spot it. To exercise authority, you must yourself be submitted to God's authority. "We lead by example."

7. Bring Them Up in the Lord

• The father has the responsibility to look into the spiritual, moral, emotional and physical state of his children, the spiritual first. Children are an inheritance that God entrusts to us (Psalm 127:3).
• Raising children is like growing a plant. If it doesn't grow fast enough, you don't come and hit it with a baseball bat. "That's an extreme example, we agree," but it calls for patience, care and kindness.
• A father is called to be a refuge in a world that is dangerous for children. He also defines them: they bear his name, and his words can mark them "for the rest of their days." Let us delight in them and show them our favor.
• To educate is also to teach them to look at the world as disciples of Jesus and to warn them against idols: success, career, fame, money, sex.
• Correction is not mere punishment, it aims at growth. From a certain age, you need to explain why obedience matters. God himself corrects us like a loving father (Hebrews 12:6).
• Tonio reminds us that the Bible mentions corporal punishment when necessary, but that it must remain the exception, be practiced with great restraint and a good attitude, never in frustration, irritation, anger or uncontrolled violence. Otherwise, it is not in line with God's will.
• This responsibility cannot be entirely handed off to mothers, to school or to Sunday school. "I'm here to teach French, not authority," say helpless teachers. The Church helps parents, but it is not enough to bring your children on Sunday morning.
• In practical terms: read the Bible with them, talk about the things of God, about school, about the news, and show them how God sees things. Paul even makes it a criterion for church leaders (1 Timothy 3:4, Titus 1:6).
• It is not a guarantee: a child may one day choose to reject God. But God calls us to do our best. The preacher's summary: "solid discipline, clear verbal instructions, and all of it wrapped in tenderness."

Key Takeaways

• Family life is not separate from spiritual life: it is where faith in Christ can shine and be seen.
• Teaching your children obedience is preparing them to obey God. The honor owed to parents remains even in adulthood.
• The promise of long life is a general principle: obedience protects the child and shapes his character.
• Fathers must not discourage their children through harshness, excessive expectations, neglect or hypocrisy.
• Raising your children in the Lord means solid discipline, clear instructions, all of it wrapped in tenderness.

Personal Application

1. How do you honor your parents today, in your words and in your attitude, and not only in your actions?
2. If your parents seem hard to honor, what aspect of their life or character can you ask God to help you see?
3. What is your relationship to authority, at work, in society and before God? Do you know how to obey the one you call Lord?
4. If you are a parent, through which words, expectations or inconsistencies might you be provoking or discouraging your children?
5. What concrete decision can you make this week to talk about God with your children, rather than leaving that role to the Church or to school?

Verses Cited

• Ephesians 6:1-4
• Colossians 3:20-21
• James 1:22-24
• Genesis 2:24
• 1 Corinthians 7:14
• Exodus 20:12
• Deuteronomy 5:16
• Romans 1:30
• 2 Timothy 3:1-2
• 2 Samuel 14-15
• Psalm 127:3
• Hebrews 12:6
• 1 Timothy 3:4
• Titus 1:6

Frequently Asked Questions

Until what age should a child obey his parents?

For Tonio, obedience applies to the child as long as he lives under his parents' roof and depends on their resources. The Bible places emancipation at the moment when a man leaves his father and mother to start a new household. Obedience then changes form, but the honor and respect owed to parents remain.

What does "do not provoke your children" mean in Ephesians 6:4?

Parents can provoke their children to anger through harshness, constant criticism, mockery, excessive expectations, neglect, inconsistency or hypocrisy. In Colossians 3:21, Paul says "don't provoke your children, so that they won't be discouraged." We must not give children good reasons to reject authority.

Is the promise of a long life for those who honor their parents guaranteed?

Tonio understands it as a general principle, not as a mathematical rule. A child who obeys caring parents is protected from many dangers, bad habits and bad influences, and develops a healthy character that will benefit him all his life.