Your Spouse Is First Your Brother or Sister in Christ

Introduction

The second session of the couples' course doesn't yet address the distinct roles of husband and wife. It asks a more fundamental question: what is the most important task for a Christian husband or wife? The preacher's answer overturns the usual priorities. Before being a spouse or a parent, you are first a brother or sister in Christ. And that relationship takes priority, even within marriage.

Message Outline

1. The priority relationship in marriage is not that of spouses, but of brothers and sisters in Christ

• In a Christian marriage, several relationships coexist: romantic, friendship, partnership, parenting. But one takes priority: that of brother and sister in Christ.
• In 1 Timothy 5:1-2, Paul asks Timothy to treat other believers as fathers, mothers, brothers, and sisters. The family analogy is no accident.
• The fundamental task of the Christian husband and the Christian wife is the same: to be a disciple of Christ who makes a disciple of Christ out of their spouse. Not primarily because you are married, but because you are a Christian.
• If marriage is a picture of the Gospel, then your task is to work diligently to help your spouse grow in the Gospel.

2. The disciple's household according to Deuteronomy 6

• Deuteronomy 6:4-9 describes what a disciple's household looks like: God's word is a constant subject, it is visible, it colors everything that is talked about.
• If you follow Christ faithfully, he will be constant in your mind, and therefore in your conversations at home.
• Many evangelical Christians are very strong on male/female roles but very weak on this basic question: being a disciple who makes a disciple at home. This is the area where the preacher admits he has struggled the most personally.
• According to 2 Corinthians 5:15, if Christ died for all, it is so that those who live would no longer live for themselves, but for him. Your home is not your cocoon: Christ is your cocoon.

3. Building up your spouse to the full stature of Christ

• Ephesians 4:11-13 says God gives leaders to equip the saints, so that the body of Christ may reach mature adulthood.
• Who is the person you will be called to build up the most? It's not someone from your small group, nor the people you welcome on Sunday morning. It's the person who shares your roof.
• How many couples think this way? "My primary goal tonight, at the table, when I'm tired, is to build up my wife until she has reached the full stature of Christ."
• Colossians 1:28-29: to present every person mature in Christ. That is your calling, at home too.

4. What does the life of discipleship concretely look like in the home?

• Reading the Bible together and praying together is good, but it is far from sufficient. There are couples who do these things very well and still don't have a Christian marriage.
• The substance of the life of discipleship is not the accumulation of biblical knowledge: it is the application of the word to your concrete life.
• The form will look different depending on who you are. Loan and the preacher almost never do Bible studies together because it doesn't work for them, after 23 years of marriage, he knows she reads her Bible, she knows he reads his, and they use their respective readings to go further together.
• What matters is not the form, but that it happens one way or another, and that it doesn't stop at discussion, but is put into practice.

5. The right use of influence

• Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 15:33 that "bad company corrupts good morals," and in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 that the unbelieving spouse can be touched by the holiness of the believing spouse.
• No one will ever have more influence over you than your husband or wife. This is why the Bible warns against marrying an unbeliever.
• Your responsibility is to use this enormous influence to help your brother or sister grow in holiness.

6. Christian encouragement: protecting the other from sin

• Hebrews 3:12-13: "Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called 'today,' so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."
• The primary purpose of Christian encouragement is not emotional. It is not to make the other person feel better. It is to protect them from a wicked, unbelieving heart.
• True encouragement may not always be pleasant to hear, but it is vital.
• It requires wisdom and courage from the one who speaks, and humility from the one who listens, so as to accept correction.

7. The word as central authority : and the "nothing is urgent" principle

• According to 2 Timothy 3:16-17, Scripture must direct your decisions, your disagreements, your household rules. How do you make it central day to day?
• You must allow the other person to correct you in light of the word. It is not their authority that comes into play, it is God's authority. Your spouse sees you more clearly than you see yourself, God placed them beside you for that purpose.
• The preacher shares the rule he established with Loan: almost nothing is urgent. If a disagreement arises at 10:30 pm, it doesn't need to be resolved at 10:30 pm.
• Every Friday morning, outside of school holidays, they have coffee together. This is the moment when whatever hurt, wounded, or troubled them during the week can be discussed, calmly, thoughtfully, with reflection. Very often, after two or three days, he doesn't even remember why he was upset.

8. Form matters too: the fruit of the Spirit at home

• 1 Thessalonians 5:14-22: warn, but with patience, comfort, support. Repay no one evil for evil. Always be joyful, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances.
• Ephesians 4:31-32: let all bitterness, animosity, anger, clamor, and slander be put away. Be kind, compassionate, forgiving as God forgave you in Christ.
• How can you imagine that these rules apply at church but not at home, when God has placed a sister or brother in Christ there? Very often you speak to your spouse and your children in a way you would never speak to someone at church.
• The Gospel gives the substance of your family life, but it also gives the form. Galatians 5:22-23: may the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control), be evident when someone visits your home.

Key Takeaways

• Your priority relationship in marriage is that of brother or sister in Christ. Everything else comes after.
• Your first responsibility is not to make your spouse happy, but to help them become a disciple of Christ.
• The person you are most called to build up is the one who shares your roof, not the one you welcome on Sunday.
• Marriage is never less than the life of a brother and sister in Christ. It is more, but never less.
• The Gospel gives the substance of your family life, but also the form. Your tone of voice, your look, your way of speaking, it all matters.

Personal Application

1. Do you first consider your spouse as your brother or sister in Christ, or first as your husband or wife?
2. Does your home resemble the disciple's household described in Deuteronomy 6? Is God's word a constant subject there, or only a Sunday subject?
3. Do you allow your spouse to correct you in light of the word, or is your instinct to become defensive ("who do you think you are?")?
4. Have you established a regular time with your spouse (like Friday morning coffee), to calmly discuss what hurt you during the week?
5. Would you speak to someone at church the way you sometimes speak to your spouse? If not, what does that reveal about the form of your love at home?

Verses Cited

• Deuteronomy 6:4-9
• 1 Timothy 5:1-2
• Ephesians 4:11-13
• Colossians 1:28-29
• Hebrews 3:12-13
• 2 Timothy 3:16-17
• 1 Corinthians 7:12-16
• 1 Thessalonians 5:14-22
• Ephesians 4:31-32
• Galatians 5:22-23

Frequently Asked Questions

What concretely changes when you see your spouse as a brother or sister in Christ before seeing them as your husband or wife?

It changes the priority you give to their sanctification. Your main goal is no longer to make them happy or to make yourself happy, it's to help them look more like Christ. It also changes the form: you no longer allow yourself to speak to them in a way you would never speak to a brother or sister at church. The Gospel gives your relationship the same dignity as that of a fellow believer at church, plus the closeness and duration of a shared roof.

Is reading the Bible and praying together enough to live out a Christian marriage?

No, it is not enough. It is essential, but it is only the starting point. The substance of the life of discipleship is not the accumulation of biblical knowledge, it is the application of the word to concrete life. There are couples who do Bible studies together excellently and still don't have a truly Christian marriage. What matters is that the word directs your decisions, your disagreements, the way you speak to each other, the way you forgive each other.

Do you have to resolve every disagreement before going to bed?

The preacher nuances the usual reading of Ephesians 4:26 ("do not let the sun go down on your anger"). According to him, Paul is not talking about the emotion but about the disposition of the heart to forgive. The rule "never go to bed angry" is not realistic: sometimes discussions happen at 10:30 pm after a long day, and it takes three hours to calm down. His personal rule with his wife is different: almost nothing is urgent. They set aside Friday morning over coffee to calmly discuss whatever hurt them during the week. Very often, after two or three days, he doesn't even remember why he was upset.