Ephesians 4: Kindness and Compassion, the True Strength of a Man

Introduction

"That doesn't sound very manly, does it?" This is how the sixth session of the teaching series at Gospel Community Church in Adelaide opens, devoted to the "one another" passages of the New Testament. The theme of the day: building one another up in kindness and compassion.

In Western thinking, kindness and compassion are often seen as sentimental mush. Yet, the preacher reminds us, the life of Christ shows that they are great strengths. They are manly attributes, and they are divine attributes.

The thesis of the message fits in a few sentences: the world teaches men to conquer by domination, to protect their wounds with cynicism, and to settle their scores with resentment. True strength according to the Gospel does not seek to dominate others. It wants to build them up, to care for souls, and to accept absorbing the wrong done in order to reflect the forgiveness of Christ. Three verses serve as a guiding thread: Romans 14:19, 1 Thessalonians 5:11 and Ephesians 4:32.

Outline of the Message

1. The Servant Who Forgot the Grace He Received

The preacher starts from a well-known story: a king cancels a debt that his servant could not have repaid in twenty lifetimes. That servant goes out and refuses the same kindness to his fellow servant (Matthew 18:23-35).
He tells this story as a warning: we quickly forget the kindness that was shown to us, and we can be very harsh with others, saying "he just needs to pull himself together."
Men are made to build and to defend. But when sin distorts his strength, a man uses his tongue, his status and his physical presence to tear down instead of building up.
He belittles the weaker to raise his own reputation, he refuses to forgive in order to keep leverage over the other, he takes refuge in a stoic coldness "which is fake" and which has nothing godly about it.
"True biblical strength is not measured by the number of men you can crush in an argument." It is measured by this: do people leave your company strengthened and equipped?

2. Two Faces of Manhood

On one side, the masculine ego of the world, marked by individualism: "I'm here for me." On the other, the masculinity of the kingdom, marked by interdependence: we need one another.
The demolisher puts others down and makes sarcastic remarks. The man of the kingdom builds up.
The grudge-holder keeps score and can turn his resentment into a weapon. The man of the kingdom chooses to forgive, to let go and to love his brother.
The hardened man sees tenderness as weakness. Yet the tender-hearted man keeps "a spiritual backbone": being tender does not mean negotiating the truth.
The preacher prefers the word compassion to the word empathy. Compassion keeps an objective view and acts, like Jesus before the crowd that had followed him for several days and whom he did not want to send away hungry.
The quarrelsome man loves a fight and always finds something to argue about. The preacher mentions a mutual friend whom this quarrelsome spirit ended up driving away from the church and from fellowship with the brothers. We are called to be peacemakers.

3. Pursuing What Makes for Peace (Romans 14:19)

"So then, let us pursue things which make for peace, and things by which we may build one another up." Peace leads to building up.
In the Old Testament, the great period of construction is the reign of Solomon, a reign of peace. David had prepared a great deal, but he had blood on his hands, and God told him that he would not build the temple (1 Chronicles 22:8).
The lesson is direct: if you always want to win every argument, God will not use you to build his Church. You cannot be a pastor and a quarreler.
"When there is war at home, nothing gets built." If the children are out of control, if things are not going well with your wife, make peace as quickly as possible, otherwise your marriage weakens and your children fall apart.
In Rome, the Church was divided over secondary matters: food, feast days, personalities. Paul asks the men to stop fighting for petty rights.
The verb "to pursue" comes from military or hunting vocabulary: to pursue with eagerness. Peace is not a passive calm. The word "building up" refers to the construction of a house: we are living stones, members of one another.

4. Comforting One Another (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

"Therefore exhort one another, and build each other up, even as you also do." From comfort, building up is born.
The preacher connects this verse with 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: God comforts us in all our afflictions, so that we may comfort others with the comfort we have received.
The Thessalonians were enduring severe persecution, brothers had died, and they were tempted by fear and despair. Paul asks them to hold together.
The Greek word parakaleo belongs to the same family as Paraclete, the Holy Spirit, the one who comes alongside. To comfort requires being there, in person.
The image is that of a warrior shoulder to shoulder with a wounded brother in the trench, speaking to him with courage so that together they hold the line. "It is not cheap sentimentality. It is combat encouragement."

5. Kind, Compassionate and Quick to Forgive (Ephesians 4:32)

"Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you." Kindness and tenderness lead to forgiveness.
The preacher notes that the people who forgave him most freely were kind and tender-hearted people. Forgiveness comes from the heart: saying "I forgive you" while continuing to keep count is not forgiving.
Kind: a disposition that comes from grace received. Compassionate: a Greek word that literally speaks of healthy bowels. One must be supple and tender toward others, not hard and rigid.
Forgiving: a word rooted in grace. It means canceling a debt that the other could never really pay, and not repaying evil for evil.
"If you struggle to forgive, I don't think you have yet grasped the Gospel in its fullness." A difficulty in forgiving is often a Gospel issue.

6. In Practice: Among Men, at Home, at Church

Among men, "retire the sledgehammer": our words can strike like a hammer, because the tongue is powerful. Proverbs 26 compares the one who deceives his neighbor and then says "I was only joking" to a madman who throws firebrands and deadly arrows.
Stand guard beside the discouraged brother. When a brother goes through exhaustion, loses his job or falls into sin, do not walk past him and do not lecture him like an armchair expert. Go to his door, look him in the eye, help him carry the weight.
Seek reconciliation without compromise: when friction appears, do not let it get worse, repair the fracture.
At home, the first battlefield, watch your tongue. Jesus asked his disciples to say "Peace be to this house!" in every house they entered (Luke 10:5-6): the Christian home must be a house of peace. Do not subject your wife to an interrogation, as if you were judge, jury and executioner. Ten criticisms for one encouragement end up wearing her down. Be sincere, without flattery.
Cultivate a tender heart: when your wife brings you her worries, do not shut down and do not jump straight to the solution. Listen to her, ask her what is on her mind, repeat back to her what you heard, then pray with her.
Cancel debts right away: no sulking silence, no old failures brought back up. "In marriage, unforgiveness is a poison disguised as legitimate self-defense."
At church, be a peacemaker from the moment you walk in: defuse the bomb, invite the other person to lunch to talk about it. Encourage in private the tired servants who work in the shadows, those who set up the sound system or carry pastoral burdens. Learn to absorb offenses with grace.
A man in the group adds that, often, by taking the time to talk with the person, you discover what lies behind it, and compassion becomes possible. The preacher concludes: quite often, the offense was not aimed at you as much as you thought.
Being gracious does not simply mean being nice: these are the graces of Christ described in Galatians 5, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, toward the one who has not been kind to you.

7. Taking Stock and Taking Action

Four diagnostic questions: the demolition test (have my words over the last seven days built up or torn down?), the ledger test (am I keeping a book of accounts against someone?), the tenderness test (have trials hardened me to the point that I no longer weep with those who weep?), the peacemaker test (am I pursuing peace or waiting for the other person to apologize first?). Waiting, he says, "is not making peace, it is cowardice."
Among men: choose a brother who is going through a spiritual, financial or personal battle. Write to him or call him, name two godly qualities you see in him and tell him he is not carrying this burden alone.
In the couple: take the initiative of twenty minutes of uninterrupted conversation with your wife. Confess irritability, coldness or resentment. Ask her where your words have torn her down, listen without a single excuse, forgive what remains to be forgiven, then pray for her and for yourself in front of her.
The preacher clarifies: do not confess as a sin what is not one, but what is sin, confess it.
At church: spot a leader, a teacher or a forgotten servant who carries a lot with little recognition, and bless him anonymously, with a handwritten note, a gift or a meal.
The closing prayer asks that the Church not be only a people who gather on Sunday, but a covenant community, a family where everyone is a member of one another.

Key Takeaways

Kindness and compassion are not weaknesses: in the life of Christ, they are great strengths.
Peace comes before building: when there is war at home, nothing gets built.
To comfort is to stand beside your brother, in person, like a comrade in arms in the trench.
We forgive as God forgave us in Christ. A difficulty in forgiving often reveals an incomplete understanding of the Gospel.
Kindness is lived concretely: a message to a brother who is struggling, an honest conversation with your wife, a quiet blessing for a forgotten servant.

Personal Application

Over the last seven days, have your words built up or torn down your wife, your children, your brothers and your friends?
Are you currently keeping a ledger of debts against someone who hurt you?
Have trials hardened your heart to the point that you are no longer moved by those who are suffering around you?
In which relationship are you waiting for the other person to make the first move, when you could pursue peace starting today?
Which brother, which family member or which servant in your church could you encourage this week?

Verses Cited

Frequently Asked Questions

Are kindness and compassion manly qualities?

The preacher acknowledges that, in Western thinking, kindness and compassion are seen as sentimental mush. Yet, in the life of Christ, they appear as great strengths. They are manly attributes, and they are divine attributes. True strength does not seek to dominate, it builds others up and knows how to forgive.

What does "comfort" mean in 1 Thessalonians 5:11?

The Greek word parakaleo, of the same family as Paraclete, the name given to the Holy Spirit, means to be called alongside someone. To comfort is to be present. The preacher speaks of a soldier who stands shoulder to shoulder with a wounded brother in the trench: not cheap sentimentality, but combat encouragement.

Why is forgiveness tied to the Gospel in Ephesians 4:32?

Paul asks us to forgive as God forgave us in Christ. For the preacher, someone who struggles to forgive has probably not yet grasped the Gospel in its fullness. We forgive because we have received grace, unlike the servant who, after being released by the king from a debt impossible to repay, refused the same grace to his fellow servant.